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Topic Title: Joke of the day Topic Summary: You want/need a laugh? This thread keeps getting better and better!!! Created On: 04/29/2009 07:25 PM |
Linear : Threading : Single : Branch |
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- Mama G | - 04/29/2009 07:25 PM |
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- Maktaq | - 04/30/2009 03:45 AM |
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- Timinator | - 04/30/2009 06:46 AM |
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- BSpec | - 05/01/2009 07:43 AM |
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- bob3000 | - 05/01/2009 02:08 PM |
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- jdbman | - 07/07/2021 04:11 AM |
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- Mama G | - 05/02/2009 06:26 AM |
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- jdbman | - 05/02/2009 10:17 AM |
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- princibill | - 05/02/2009 04:07 PM |
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- thole | - 05/03/2009 11:47 AM |
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- GreenLantern | - 05/03/2009 11:59 AM |
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- Tomkat | - 05/06/2009 07:42 AM |
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- princibill | - 05/06/2009 06:53 PM |
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- JBSURF | - 05/08/2009 11:46 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 05/15/2009 06:00 AM |
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- Tomkat | - 05/15/2009 10:18 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 05/16/2009 06:20 PM |
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- thole | - 05/17/2009 11:44 AM |
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- Mama G | - 05/21/2009 06:10 PM |
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- wavecrestsurf | - 05/23/2009 05:05 AM |
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- johnnyboy | - 05/24/2009 12:16 PM |
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- Pagerow | - 05/28/2009 05:42 AM |
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- crankit | - 06/01/2009 11:49 AM |
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- jdbman | - 08/01/2009 09:45 AM |
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- sdt57301 | - 08/01/2009 05:05 PM |
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- jdbman | - 08/02/2009 03:54 PM |
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- jdbman | - 08/03/2009 10:14 AM |
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- Burry | - 08/03/2009 01:20 PM |
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- jdbman | - 08/15/2009 12:31 PM |
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- Mama G | - 08/16/2009 08:28 AM |
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- jdbman | - 08/17/2009 03:17 AM |
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- jdbman | - 08/25/2009 04:02 PM |
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- jdbman | - 08/28/2009 03:22 PM |
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- Fish Killer | - 09/03/2009 02:15 PM |
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- jdbman | - 09/04/2009 03:51 PM |
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- wetspot | - 09/05/2009 03:36 PM |
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- thole | - 09/06/2009 10:19 AM |
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- jdbman | - 09/08/2009 05:10 PM |
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- wavecrestsurf | - 09/09/2009 04:40 PM |
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- Long Beard | - 09/09/2009 05:06 PM |
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- jdbman | - 09/11/2009 04:50 AM |
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- jdbman | - 09/16/2009 03:30 PM |
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- jdbman | - 09/16/2009 03:31 PM |
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- wetspot | - 09/22/2009 07:38 AM |
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- early eye | - 09/24/2009 02:53 PM |
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- 333rider | - 09/24/2009 04:14 PM |
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- jdbman | - 09/30/2009 03:37 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 10/07/2009 11:36 AM |
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- johnnyboy | - 10/07/2009 11:57 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 10/12/2009 02:54 PM |
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- turning japanese | - 10/12/2009 04:55 PM |
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- somebodyelse | - 11/10/2009 02:03 PM |
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- JBSURF | - 11/10/2009 03:18 PM |
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- Mama G | - 11/23/2009 02:37 PM |
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- tpapablo | - 11/25/2009 09:10 AM |
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- Sideshow | - 11/25/2009 10:32 AM |
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- thole | - 11/27/2009 08:52 AM |
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- thole | - 11/27/2009 10:04 AM |
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- thole | - 10/31/2009 05:01 PM |
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- Long Beard | - 11/01/2009 10:50 PM |
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- bob3000 | - 11/02/2009 08:38 AM |
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- tingo | - 11/02/2009 11:54 AM |
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- Mama G | - 11/03/2009 05:09 AM |
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- DaveFL76 | - 11/03/2009 07:54 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 12/26/2009 02:22 PM |
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- Mama G | - 01/10/2010 06:23 PM |
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- jdbman | - 10/14/2009 04:32 AM |
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- burn7 | - 10/14/2009 02:00 PM |
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- thole | - 10/16/2009 10:02 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 11/03/2009 02:08 PM |
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- JBSURF | - 11/04/2009 03:34 PM |
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- Mama G | - 11/05/2009 06:04 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 12/17/2009 07:07 AM |
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- Mama G | - 12/20/2009 07:18 AM |
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- ponch | - 12/23/2009 06:47 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 12/10/2009 12:02 PM |
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- thole | - 12/16/2009 03:07 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 01/15/2010 02:13 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 01/15/2010 02:19 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 01/15/2010 02:22 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 01/15/2010 06:34 AM |
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- thole | - 01/17/2010 09:09 AM |
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- MichaelSknabriaf | - 01/17/2010 07:16 PM |
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- artman | - 01/21/2010 07:10 AM |
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- Pagerow | - 02/05/2010 11:04 AM |
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- Mama G | - 02/06/2010 07:06 PM |
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- Mama G | - 02/09/2010 05:44 PM |
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- Mama G | - 02/13/2010 06:45 PM |
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- ograbac | - 12/16/2010 06:53 AM |
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- thole | - 12/18/2010 09:00 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 12/25/2010 09:12 PM |
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- jdbman | - 10/19/2009 03:23 AM |
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- IMonkeyBoyI | - 10/20/2009 01:10 AM |
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- johnnyboy | - 10/21/2009 08:36 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 10/21/2009 07:11 PM |
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- wetspot | - 10/24/2009 08:36 AM |
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- Christina | - 12/16/2009 05:51 PM |
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- bob3000 | - 12/17/2009 05:29 AM |
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- somebodyelse | - 12/17/2009 05:41 AM |
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- bob3000 | - 12/17/2009 05:52 AM |
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- jdbman | - 09/22/2010 08:04 AM |
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- thole | - 09/26/2010 09:30 AM |
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- jdbman | - 12/09/2010 11:44 AM |
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- kookyak | - 12/10/2010 02:21 PM |
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- Streets | - 03/03/2011 06:16 AM |
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- tuberidecity | - 03/04/2011 08:42 AM |
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- Streets | - 03/05/2011 03:54 PM |
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- Streets | - 04/02/2011 11:08 AM |
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- bus | - 02/16/2011 08:10 AM |
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- russ5316 | - 03/28/2011 07:14 AM |
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- jdbman | - 04/04/2011 10:17 AM |
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- garcia | - 04/04/2011 11:36 AM |
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- Brujo | - 07/06/2011 11:44 AM |
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- Marperro | - 07/06/2011 12:24 PM |
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- jdbman | - 07/26/2011 09:05 AM |
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- Pagerow | - 07/27/2011 07:48 AM |
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- GsusSurfs | - 07/27/2011 08:03 AM |
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- Burry | - 07/28/2011 06:14 PM |
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- somebodyelse | - 08/04/2011 04:20 AM |
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- Karma | - 08/04/2011 09:36 AM |
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- worksuxgetsponsered | - 08/04/2011 01:06 PM |
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- Pagerow | - 08/08/2011 06:11 AM |
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- Brujo | - 08/09/2011 10:16 AM |
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- Jose Cuervo | - 08/09/2011 11:41 AM |
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- Streets | - 08/09/2011 03:59 PM |
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- Streets | - 08/09/2011 04:00 PM |
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- Brujo | - 08/09/2011 04:03 PM |
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- Brujo | - 08/22/2011 09:35 AM |
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- Pagerow | - 08/23/2011 12:03 PM |
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- nightkro | - 08/22/2012 07:12 AM |
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- bus | - 08/22/2013 11:09 AM |
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- kookyak | - 08/22/2013 03:18 PM |
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- Tstdamo | - 10/02/2010 03:41 PM |
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- Tstdamo | - 10/02/2010 03:42 PM |
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- RustyTruck | - 10/04/2010 06:33 AM |
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- thole | - 10/04/2010 01:15 PM |
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- HawaiianSalt | - 10/05/2010 04:40 PM |
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- SATBCHSURFIN | - 10/07/2010 07:43 AM |
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- somebodyelse | - 10/08/2010 05:26 AM |
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- tahoe | - 10/10/2010 07:42 PM |
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- tahoe | - 10/11/2010 10:56 AM |
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- tahoe | - 10/13/2010 05:54 AM |
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- somebodyelse | - 10/13/2010 06:44 AM |
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- somebodyelse | - 10/14/2010 07:10 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 10/14/2010 06:19 PM |
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- JBSURF | - 10/18/2010 08:03 AM |
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- somebodyelse | - 10/22/2010 07:27 AM |
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- SocialistSteve | - 10/30/2010 11:43 AM |
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- Pagerow | - 11/01/2010 06:49 AM |
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- Mama G | - 06/01/2009 01:34 PM |
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- johnnyboy | - 06/04/2009 07:30 AM |
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- Mama G | - 06/06/2009 07:37 AM |
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- sdt57301 | - 06/11/2009 07:40 PM |
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- Igoyoustay | - 06/14/2009 04:14 PM |
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- Long Beard | - 06/14/2009 08:11 PM |
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- Long Beard | - 06/14/2009 08:12 PM |
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- princibill | - 06/14/2009 08:39 PM |
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- crankit | - 06/15/2009 09:22 AM |
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- thole | - 06/16/2009 06:21 AM |
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- thole | - 06/22/2009 02:38 PM |
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- worksuxgetsponsered | - 06/29/2009 08:08 AM |
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- sdt57301 | - 06/30/2009 08:35 PM |
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- GREG | - 07/01/2009 11:39 PM |
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- crankit | - 07/02/2009 12:50 PM |
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- crankit | - 07/02/2009 01:02 PM |
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- Pagerow | - 07/06/2009 06:27 AM |
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- somebodyelse | - 07/06/2009 09:40 AM |
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- jdbman | - 07/06/2009 05:37 PM |
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- eibla | - 09/09/2009 07:25 PM |
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- dingpatch | - 09/10/2009 10:07 AM |
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- jdbman | - 07/06/2009 05:39 PM |
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- Jib | - 07/07/2009 02:22 PM |
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- Mama G | - 07/10/2009 06:19 AM |
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- MikeOfAtlanta | - 07/10/2009 03:35 PM |
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- JBSURF | - 07/11/2009 04:42 PM |
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- Pagerow | - 07/13/2009 12:13 PM |
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- JBSURF | - 07/15/2009 12:49 PM |
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- LouisB | - 07/16/2009 05:29 PM |
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- Maktaq | - 07/19/2009 11:03 PM |
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- ReedBeach | - 07/20/2009 04:14 PM |
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- sdt57301 | - 07/24/2009 04:31 AM |
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- jdbman | - 07/26/2009 08:01 AM |
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- jdbman | - 07/26/2009 08:04 AM |
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- sdt57301 | - 07/27/2009 04:04 PM |
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- GMAN | - 07/27/2009 05:36 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 09/08/2009 01:18 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 09/25/2009 11:11 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 08/04/2009 03:58 PM |
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- jdbman | - 08/06/2009 04:46 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 08/07/2009 10:51 AM |
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- thole | - 08/09/2009 12:25 PM |
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- Pagerow | - 08/10/2009 12:30 PM |
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- Mama G | - 07/29/2009 04:51 PM |
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- Pagerow | - 07/30/2009 05:41 AM |
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- RustyTruck | - 07/31/2009 12:54 PM |
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- tingo | - 07/31/2009 01:42 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 08/26/2009 05:41 AM |
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- paddleout | - 08/27/2009 07:24 PM |
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- JBSURF | - 09/27/2009 07:23 PM |
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- Maktaq | - 09/29/2009 11:14 PM |
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- Captain Obvious | - 02/13/2010 06:49 PM |
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- Captain Obvious | - 02/13/2010 08:03 PM |
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- artman | - 02/14/2010 08:12 AM |
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- Long Beard | - 02/15/2010 02:43 AM |
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- kookyak | - 02/15/2010 10:16 AM |
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- johnnyboy | - 02/16/2010 08:10 AM |
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- artman | - 02/16/2010 02:07 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 03/13/2010 04:18 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 03/15/2010 08:38 PM |
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- sad39 | - 03/16/2010 06:21 AM |
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- RustyTruck | - 03/16/2010 07:33 AM |
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- RustyTruck | - 03/17/2010 11:27 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 03/18/2010 07:10 AM |
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- RustyTruck | - 03/25/2010 09:34 AM |
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- TueurDePoisson | - 03/29/2010 01:19 PM |
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- TueurDePoisson | - 03/30/2010 03:19 AM |
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- artman | - 03/31/2010 06:48 AM |
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- DaveFL76 | - 03/31/2010 07:14 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 04/07/2010 10:03 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 04/12/2010 04:33 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 04/13/2010 06:44 AM |
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- Mama G | - 02/19/2010 05:01 AM |
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- Zeus | - 02/22/2010 07:34 AM |
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- thole | - 02/23/2010 07:08 AM |
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- crankit | - 02/24/2010 12:38 PM |
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- Mama G | - 02/27/2010 11:58 AM |
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- SATBCHSURFIN | - 03/03/2010 09:20 AM |
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- ponch | - 03/04/2010 05:13 PM |
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- johnnyboy | - 03/06/2010 08:42 PM |
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- artman | - 03/07/2010 04:58 AM |
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- Bamboo | - 03/08/2010 10:30 AM |
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- Surfgrl4ever | - 03/08/2010 05:56 PM |
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- crankit | - 03/09/2010 01:30 PM |
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- Fairweathersurfer | - 03/09/2010 06:29 PM |
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- searancher | - 03/10/2010 07:46 AM |
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- thole | - 03/13/2010 05:52 AM |
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- SocialistSteve | - 04/06/2010 06:14 AM |
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- thole | - 04/06/2010 02:25 PM |
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- spatchulahand | - 04/07/2010 10:03 AM |
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- spatchulahand | - 04/07/2010 10:06 AM |
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- spatchulahand | - 04/07/2010 03:01 PM |
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- Long Beard | - 04/08/2010 12:15 PM |
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- johnnyboy | - 04/09/2010 08:29 AM |
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- Long Beard | - 04/09/2010 01:27 PM |
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- artman | - 04/10/2010 05:15 PM |
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- Long Beard | - 04/10/2010 07:19 PM |
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- Long Beard | - 04/12/2010 10:42 AM |
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- Long Beard | - 04/13/2010 01:53 PM |
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- crankit | - 04/15/2010 06:55 AM |
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- Long Beard | - 04/15/2010 11:33 AM |
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- crankit | - 04/15/2010 12:25 PM |
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- Fairweathersurfer | - 04/15/2010 05:50 PM |
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- 3rdworldlover | - 04/16/2010 05:50 AM |
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- johnnyboy | - 04/16/2010 11:22 AM |
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- wetspot | - 04/16/2010 12:35 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 06/04/2010 07:01 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 06/16/2010 07:49 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 07/08/2010 08:41 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 07/09/2010 06:56 AM |
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- SocialistSteve | - 07/12/2010 06:25 PM |
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- JBSURF | - 07/13/2010 06:11 PM |
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- sdt57301 | - 07/15/2010 04:02 AM |
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- spatchulahand | - 07/15/2010 07:31 AM |
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- thole | - 07/17/2010 07:44 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 09/27/2010 06:17 AM |
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- thole | - 09/27/2010 12:47 PM |
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- Central Floridave | - 09/28/2010 05:37 PM |
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- Central Floridave | - 09/28/2010 05:47 PM |
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- tahoe | - 09/29/2010 05:36 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 09/29/2010 03:07 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 07/17/2010 03:55 PM |
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- JBSURF | - 07/17/2010 05:20 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 07/21/2010 06:21 AM |
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- RustyTruck | - 07/23/2010 10:19 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 07/28/2010 09:08 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 07/29/2010 11:56 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 08/01/2010 01:39 PM |
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- SATBCHSURFIN | - 08/04/2010 01:18 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 08/16/2010 06:07 AM |
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- SocialistSteve | - 09/12/2010 09:21 AM |
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- SocialistSteve | - 09/12/2010 11:56 AM |
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- Pagerow | - 11/05/2010 06:02 AM |
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- Pagerow | - 11/05/2010 06:06 AM |
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- Pagerow | - 11/05/2010 06:29 AM |
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- Marperro | - 11/05/2010 11:30 AM |
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- Burry | - 11/05/2010 02:45 PM |
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- Marperro | - 11/05/2010 06:17 PM |
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- thole | - 11/06/2010 05:57 AM |
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- Pagerow | - 11/12/2010 10:26 AM |
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- tpapablo | - 11/15/2010 01:15 PM |
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- thole | - 11/15/2010 01:23 PM |
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- SocialistSteve | - 12/16/2010 04:55 AM |
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- SocialistSteve | - 12/30/2010 06:12 AM |
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- SocialistSteve | - 01/08/2011 10:22 AM |
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- SocialistSteve | - 01/08/2011 06:29 PM |
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- somebodyelse | - 02/23/2011 10:18 AM |
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- Pagerow | - 02/23/2011 11:59 AM |
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- somebodyelse | - 03/08/2011 02:08 PM |
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- Streets | - 03/08/2011 08:11 PM |
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- Streets | - 03/09/2011 11:49 AM |
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- SocialistSteve | - 09/12/2010 11:57 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 08/16/2010 07:24 AM |
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- SATBCHSURFIN | - 08/16/2010 09:36 AM |
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- kookyak | - 08/16/2010 11:42 AM |
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- johnnyboy | - 08/19/2010 12:48 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 08/21/2010 09:48 AM |
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- SocialistSteve | - 09/01/2010 02:08 AM |
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- tahoe | - 09/14/2010 04:58 AM |
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- turning japanese | - 09/16/2010 01:54 PM |
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- thole | - 09/16/2010 02:15 PM |
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- tahoe | - 09/17/2010 03:24 PM |
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- RustyTruck | - 09/20/2010 08:39 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 09/21/2010 05:46 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 09/01/2010 07:50 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 09/02/2010 03:37 PM |
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- RustyTruck | - 09/03/2010 01:20 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 09/06/2010 05:33 AM |
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- thole | - 09/06/2010 01:37 PM |
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- Pagerow | - 09/08/2010 12:09 PM |
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- thole | - 09/11/2010 08:21 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 08/05/2010 02:13 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 08/10/2010 11:49 PM |
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- thole | - 08/11/2010 01:14 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 08/11/2010 02:02 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 08/14/2010 02:19 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 08/14/2010 02:39 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 08/23/2010 12:32 AM |
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- JBSURF | - 08/27/2010 06:09 PM |
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- jcortez13 | - 08/28/2010 04:49 PM |
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- thole | - 08/29/2010 09:26 AM |
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- Beachcomber | - 04/22/2010 02:04 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 04/25/2010 11:05 AM |
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- turning japanese | - 04/25/2010 07:15 PM |
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- Beachcomber | - 04/26/2010 05:06 AM |
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- johnnyboy | - 04/27/2010 09:43 AM |
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- SATBCHSURFIN | - 04/28/2010 10:28 AM |
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- Mama G | - 04/29/2010 05:13 PM |
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- somebodyelse | - 05/17/2010 04:39 AM |
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- Zeus | - 06/29/2011 04:10 AM |
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- johnnyboy | - 07/07/2021 08:21 AM |
 Topic Tools
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 04/29/2009 07:25 PM
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today.' ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss Edited: 07/21/2009 at 05:08 AM by Mama G |
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04/30/2009 03:45 AM
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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. Edited: 04/30/2009 at 03:48 AM by Maktaq |
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04/30/2009 06:46 AM
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An oldie but goodie.
There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters. The first farmer asks, "I'd like to buy a rooster." The second farmer says, "No problem. What's he for?" The first farmer says, "I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens and lay more eggs." The second farmer points to a rooster, "Okay. Take Brewster over there... he'll do all your chickens for you." The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing heavily. The first farmer exclaims, "What? You've got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorrow." The second farmer says, "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll screw all your chickens and you'll end up with more eggs than you could ever imagine." Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, "Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold." He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck. As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he's done with one, he does another, and another... The farmer says, "Take it easy Brewster! You're going to hurt yourself!" Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and pounds that one too. He proceeds to screw all the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the chickens, he runs after the dog, and nails him too. The farmer is starting to get a little worried. Brewster then drills the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing after the farmer's wife! Some time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere. He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster out in the field on his back, motionless. The farmer cries out, "Oh Brewster! I told you to be careful! Now look what's happened." Brewster opens one eye, points overhead and whispers, "Shhh!!... Buzzards." ------------------------- www.timebaughdesigns.com |
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05/01/2009 07:43 AM
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Why was the tomato blushing?
. . . . . . . . . Because he saw the salad dressing! Budump Ching |
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05/01/2009 02:08 PM
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Best swine flu medication?
OINKMENT 
------------------------- Water dissolving...and water removing There is water at the bottom of the ocean |
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07/07/2021 04:11 AM
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A priest, a rabbi, and a Presbyterian minister walk into a blood bank, and the receptionist asks them what their blood type is.
The priest says, "I believe I'm a type A." The minister says, "I checked last night. I'm a type B." The rabbit says, "Pretty sure I'm a typo." ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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05/02/2009 06:26 AM
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hahaha
------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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05/02/2009 10:17 AM
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PHONE REPAIR
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring Right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you'd like to know. ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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05/02/2009 04:07 PM
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The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding." |
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05/03/2009 11:47 AM
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Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a pretty
receptionist standing at the office coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it anymore and takes her Complaint to the Personnel Department and states she wants to lay a Sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?' 'It's Keith, the dwarf! ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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05/03/2009 11:59 AM
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ograbac
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05/06/2009 07:42 AM
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A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they
live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. 'Well,' his mother say's, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.' Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, ........'You gonna tell him or should I? ------------------------- "Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each" - Henry David Thoreau |
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05/06/2009 06:53 PM
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"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..." 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket-launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean." 5. You think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. 10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's' goat Edited: 05/06/2009 at 06:54 PM by princibill |
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05/08/2009 11:46 AM
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Im doing the Rum Diet, `Aready lost 3 days`
------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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05/15/2009 06:00 AM
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A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the
bar: COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2..25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. 'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?' The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes", "Yes, I sure am". The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger". ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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05/15/2009 10:18 AM
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either." ------------------------- "Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each" - Henry David Thoreau |
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05/16/2009 06:20 PM
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon... She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house.. walked home... and left it there all night!!! (You gotta love Frank!) ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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05/17/2009 11:44 AM
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Bubba goes to a revival and listens to the preacher.
After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Bubba gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Bubba, what do you want me to pray about for you.' Bubba replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.' The preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Bubba's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Bubba. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, 'Bubba, how is your hearing now?' Bubba says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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05/21/2009 06:10 PM
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funny video
------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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05/23/2009 05:05 AM
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What is the best gay bar pickup line?.......Can I push in your stool.
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05/24/2009 12:16 PM
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Why did the three little pigs leave home?
Their father was a terrible boar/bore. ------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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05/28/2009 05:42 AM
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $40K a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1.5 mil) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running." ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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06/01/2009 11:49 AM
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Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield ...........
Because he said .... My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.' I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night. My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with. ------------------------- Romans 8;18-32 John 3;16-18 |
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08/01/2009 09:45 AM
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Riddle of the Day
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but doesn't use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his with women. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. Cher claims that she took on 3. We never saw Lucy use Desi's. What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good ) *************************** Answer: 'A Last Name.' That surprised you, didn't it! ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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08/01/2009 05:05 PM
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall, Exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...... On one condition' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said.... 'Clean my house.' ------------------------- crazy like a fox! ha ha > Vote for Rewind Cain, he'll get it right....eventually. |
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08/02/2009 03:54 PM
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rwalltheway
Posts: 346 Joined Forum: 07/27/2009 ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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08/03/2009 10:14 AM
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You're a redneck when.....
1. Your 14-year-old daughter smokes at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.......!' 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. ' 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. Loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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08/03/2009 01:20 PM
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jdbman
those a funny! ------------------------- BurrysBreak Inflation caused The BIG BANG...look it up! |
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08/15/2009 12:31 PM
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THE BREADTH OF FEMALE COMPASSION
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No.' So she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No.' So she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f****d?' The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No!' She said, 'Well, you will be when the tide comes in.' ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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08/16/2009 08:28 AM
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
> MARIA: Here it is. > TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? > CLASS: Maria. > ____________________________________ > > TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? > JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. > ___________________ _______________________ > > TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' > GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' > TEACHER: No, that's wrong > GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. > > (I Love this kid) > ____________________________________________ > > TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? > DONALD: H I J K L M N O. > TEACHER: What are you talking about? > DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. > __________________________________ > > TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. > WINNIE: Me! > __________________________________________ > > TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? > GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. > _______________________________________ > > TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' > MILLIE: I is.. > TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' > MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' > ________________________________ > > TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. > 20 Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? > LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. > ______________________________________ > > TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? > SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. > ______________________________ > > TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? > CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. > ___________________________________ > > TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? > HAROLD: A teacher > __________________________________ > ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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08/17/2009 03:17 AM
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A filthy rich Floridian decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Bubba, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Bubba was having a good time drinkin', dancin', eatin' shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 12 foot Man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in with it." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Bubba in the pool! Bubba was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Bubba and the gator were roaring mad and raising hell. Finally Bubba strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Bubba then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Bubba, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Bubba. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the prize. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks, I don't want it," answered Bubba. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Bubba said "No." Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Bubba, then what do you want?" Bubba said, "I want the name of the SUMBICH who pushed me into the pool!" ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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08/25/2009 04:02 PM
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A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an
operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You're going to be fine." he said. She then asked him, "Doctor, how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again?" The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine - it's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out." ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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08/28/2009 03:22 PM
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Southern Hospitality:
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received a note from the wife of a politically connected local resident: Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like to invite four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers to attend the ball in dress uniform . They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should also be good dancers, as they will be the escorting highly refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please. At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake!" "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes." ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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09/03/2009 02:15 PM
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What Starts With F and Ends With K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: " What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... ------------------------- The REAL truth is....both of the forum idiots are OWNED. -BOTH of them have no clue who their owner is. -They are both card carrying narcissists. ^These are PROVED facts. |
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09/04/2009 03:51 PM
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Degrees of blondeness.
FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy! It's me!' THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy ... it's W.' FIFTH DEGREE Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: 'Is it mine?' SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .' SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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09/05/2009 03:36 PM
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Last year, my grandfather got sick. A month before he died, my grandma rubbed lard all over his back. After that he went downhill really fast. ------------------------- That boy's got somethin' wrong with his medulla oblongata. |
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09/06/2009 10:19 AM
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White Wedding Gowns
> > > Son asked his mother the following question: > > "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son > and replies, > > "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is > pure." > > The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his > father. > > "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" > > The father looks at his son in surprise and says, > "Son, all household appliances come in white." ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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09/08/2009 05:10 PM
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Never Argue with a Woman.
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replied. You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'Maybe officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. "But I haven't touched you!' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's possible she can also think . . . ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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09/09/2009 04:40 PM
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What's the difference between a blowjob and a bonus?
The wife doesn't bitch about blowing your bonus. |
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09/09/2009 05:06 PM
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wavecrestsurf wins !
------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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09/11/2009 04:50 AM
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A pretty blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman,' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it ?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting lately." Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50, and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip. "Thank you," said the girl, "And by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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09/16/2009 03:30 PM
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A fifteen year old country boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light up in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your mother.' ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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09/16/2009 03:31 PM
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Helloooo! We're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's awful!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and to read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . In no time.' 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may be the solution!' The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes,the female parrots cried out: 'Helloooo! We're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank! Our prayers have been answered!' ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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09/22/2009 07:38 AM
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Not a joke, but a joke on somebody... Youtube outhouse prank ------------------------- That boy's got somethin' wrong with his medulla oblongata. |
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09/24/2009 02:53 PM
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Def. of a yankee same as a quickee only alone ..
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09/24/2009 04:14 PM
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What did the banana say to the vibrator ?? Why you shaking, their not gonna eat you
Edited: 09/26/2009 at 06:12 AM by 333rider |
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09/30/2009 03:37 AM
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Some quotes on Wives and Marriage .......
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous The great question, which I have not been able to answer, is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Anonymous (Think it was Jack Benny) 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison 'I've had bad luck with both my wives.The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it. 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murra The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it just once. Nash You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henry Youngman A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky. Mine's still alive.' Anonymous ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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10/07/2009 11:36 AM
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THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER
Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of Heart Disease. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later. Again Judy remarried, and this time She & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: <ATT00011.jpg> "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?" Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..." ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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10/07/2009 11:57 AM
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How come Stevie Wonder can't see his friends?
Because he's married.................. ------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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10/12/2009 02:54 PM
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Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.' ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! Edited: 10/12/2009 at 02:55 PM by JBSURF |
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10/12/2009 04:55 PM
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You can bring a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
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11/10/2009 02:03 PM
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This math test can predict your all time most watched film. Try it without looking at the answers. It works! Pick a number from 1 to 9. Multiply by 3. Add 3, then multiply by 3 again. You will get your answer by adding the two digits together to find your all time favorite movie listed below. Good Luck! Don't look below until you have your number!!!
The master list is: 1. Gone With The Wind. 2. Aliens. 3. Oliver. 4. Star Wars. 5. Forrest Gump. 6. Saving Private Ryan. 7. Monte Python and the Holy Grail. 8. Grease. 9. Joy of Wearing Women's Underwear: the Keith Olbermann Story. 10. Mary Poppins. ------------------------- Edited: 11/11/2009 at 10:15 AM by somebodyelse |
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11/10/2009 03:18 PM
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Windshield Bug
> > > A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his > deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and > sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window. > > Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. > The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden > the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then > flew off. > > Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck > was that?' > > Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything > sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It ... it was only > a bug, Honey.' > > The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a > moment said... 'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?' > > ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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11/23/2009 02:37 PM
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So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
> > Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy Godmother. He begs her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such." > > The fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Abracapokus! You're brown!"The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy Godmother, "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"To this the fairy Godmother replies, "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." > > The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.. > > Believe it or not, there is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. Who would have suspected?? At any rate, as luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy Godmother. He implores her, "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off." > > She, being a nice fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ol' twig and berries. They remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!" > > She says, "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"The fairy Godmother answers, "That's easy... just follow the yellow dick toad." And, so it goes.... ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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11/25/2009 09:10 AM
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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. ------------------------- I :heart; Q |
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11/25/2009 10:32 AM
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------------------------- “Are you smarter than a half term governor?" Edited: 12/16/2009 at 11:04 PM by Sideshow |
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11/27/2009 08:52 AM
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So I checked into a hotel and said to the receptionist,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." "No" she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard!" ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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11/27/2009 10:04 AM
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After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'Yup,' replied the drunk. 'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. . The three stood looking at one another for a moment....... Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a**hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!' ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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10/31/2009 05:01 PM
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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom... She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache." ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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11/01/2009 10:50 PM
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i've been looking at this since it was posted and could not for the life of me get it . i jus read it to my fiance and right away she explained it to me. im now in tears laughing my face off ! the sad thing is that im not sure if im laughing at the joke or myself. ------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf Edited: 11/01/2009 at 10:51 PM by Long Beard |
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11/02/2009 08:38 AM
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i've been looking at this since it was posted and could not for the life of me get it . i jus read it to my fiance and right away she explained it to me. im now in tears laughing my face off ! the sad thing is that im not sure if im laughing at the joke or myself. Bro, put DOWN the cheeba! and i mean that in a good way.
------------------------- Water dissolving...and water removing There is water at the bottom of the ocean |
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11/02/2009 11:54 AM
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not really a joke.
but last sat I was surfing jupiter with an old friend. Hes going on and on about his nagging wife. After a lenghty rant he says "maybe we should switch wifes" I said "aah buddy, I like you too much to do that to you". He was cracking up. My wife was laughing real good when I told her the story I guess you had to be there. |
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11/03/2009 05:09 AM
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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for in stance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a sense of humor. ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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11/03/2009 07:54 AM
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We went to the Robin Williams stand-up concert at UCF a couple weeks ago, and he ended the show with a joke that had the audience in stitches. He did the joke as a tribute to his friend Walter Cronkite, and told the joke in a Walter's slow, news-caster voice, so try to read it in your best Cronkite voice for full effect:
Tonight, a husband and wife were making love. He was really giving it to her. Suddenly, their 12-year old son Timmy walked in. He screamed, "oh my God!" and then ran out of the room, down the hallway. The father said, "don't worry, honey. I'll go talk to Timmy." The father opens up the boy's room and there is Timmy, having sex with his grandmother. He was really giving it to her. The father screamed, "oh my God!" Timmy replies, "Yeah, it's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?" |
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12/26/2009 02:22 PM
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A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you." "Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now get the f*ck out. ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! Edited: 12/26/2009 at 06:50 PM by JBSURF |
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01/10/2010 06:23 PM
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The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.' ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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10/14/2009 04:32 AM
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UCLA STUDY.
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female. A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected. ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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10/14/2009 02:00 PM
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UCLA STUDY. A study worth sharing with friends both male and female. A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected. Truth. ------------------------- bait |
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10/16/2009 10:02 AM
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Three Sensitive Rednecks
Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is DRT (Dead Right There). As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says, 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow".' She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.' (Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive crap) ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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11/03/2009 02:08 PM
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THIS IS WHY WE SHOULD ALL LOVE OLD PEOPLE. THEY MAKE SUCH PERFECT SENSE OUT OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...." |
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11/04/2009 03:34 PM
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The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'. Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down and cried............. ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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11/05/2009 06:04 PM
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Children writing about the Ocean:
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6) 2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6) 3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7) 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6) 5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8) 6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6) 7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7) 8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6) 9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6) 10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7) 11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6) 12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8) 13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7) 14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6) 15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7) ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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12/17/2009 07:07 AM
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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or imposed by circumstances.
Attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know things that are important to each other. "Men, Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Walter, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?' Thus began Walter's life of celibacy. |
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12/20/2009 07:18 AM
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Guess which one's real!
Knock yourself out. Now for the REAL joke: It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW? ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss Edited: 12/21/2009 at 07:17 PM by Mama G |
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12/23/2009 06:47 AM
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Semi Racist Joke:
A distressed plane has to evacuate some of it's passengers while in flight. The captain announces, "We're going to call people by their ethnicity in alphabetical order." Captain: Africans, please come forward... nobody steps up. Captain: Blacks, you're next... nobody comes up. Captain: Colored, please... Still, no one gets up. A young black girl looks at her self and asks: Mommy, aren't we black? Mommy: Shh!!! Honey, for the first time, we're Niggas. We'll let the Mexicans go before us! So the little girl started teasing the mexican boy sitting next to her. The boy started crying and his mom said: Oh don't worry son, we're Wetbacks today!
Edited: 12/26/2009 at 07:44 PM by ponch |
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12/10/2009 12:02 PM
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Boss standing over paper shredder says, "Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." |
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12/16/2009 03:07 PM
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Vegas Nookie!
> > Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. > > The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!" > > The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" > > The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!" ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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01/15/2010 02:13 AM
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How do you tell if a Jersey girl did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard. Beautiful Jersey Girl Three men were talking about their new wives duties. The first man had an Illinois woman and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had a Michigan woman. He had given his wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third had a beautiful Jersey girl. Her new duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. |
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01/15/2010 02:19 AM
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What Kind Of Porno Is This?
A young woman in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies. "Okay. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached; I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth, the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry, " says the midwife, "that's really none of my business, and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well, yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy." "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further, but your baby also has slanted eyes." "Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying, and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well, " says the girl extremely relieved, "I was afraid she was going to bark." |
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01/15/2010 02:22 AM
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Are My Testicles Black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely. A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" |
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01/15/2010 06:34 AM
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WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
Here is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat............. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...... The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world! ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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01/17/2010 09:09 AM
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The Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job.. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said.. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.' ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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01/17/2010 07:16 PM
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Two San Diego Chargers fans left the game, drunk and angry. They got into the car and drove off a bridge by accident. Well, they went to hell and were still so angry that they were burning with rage before they even felt the fiery eternity awaiting them. The Devil, seeing how angry they were, said to his workers, "let's turn it up real hot." So they did. But the men acted as if they weren't in any discomfort. All they did was yell to each other about how angry they were. So the devil turned it up hotter. Nothing. Then the devil said, "allright, let's cool it off in here. That'll set these guys straight." And the workers continued to lower the temperature. But still nothing. After a while the devil left for other business but told his workers, "keep dropping the temperature on these guys until they beg for mercy." An hour later the devil came back to find the men dancing, cheering and celebrating, even though there was ice everywhere and the temperature was fifty below. The devil asked, "why are you guys so happy?" They replied, "look around you. Don't you see what's happened? The Chargers won the Superbowl." ------------------------- The fish is a symbol of Christ. Who would want to kill that? |
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01/21/2010 07:10 AM
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in a fox hole Edited: 02/15/2010 at 09:44 AM by artman |
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02/05/2010 11:04 AM
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Lifesavers: The Candy With The Little Hole
You got to love little kids. A teacher gave out Lifesavers to her 5th Grade students for being good. The children began to identify the flavors by their color: Red.....................Cherry Yellow.................Lemon Green...................Lime Orange ..............Orange Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes! The teacher had to leave the room! ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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02/06/2010 07:06 PM
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Yellow Ledbetter
------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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02/09/2010 05:44 PM
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Universal truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. 4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator. 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. 7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. 8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. 10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. 11) You never know where to look when eating a banana. 12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. 13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. 14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. 15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. 16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. 17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. 18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. 19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches. 20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. 21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong! 22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. 23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. 24) You never ever run out of salt. 25) Old ladies can eat more than you think. 26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog. 27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. 28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. 29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. 30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. 31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard 32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. 33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. 34) Bricks are horrible to carry. 35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip. ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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02/13/2010 06:45 PM
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------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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12/16/2010 06:53 AM
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Duhhhh! Greenlantern. Duhhhhh!
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12/18/2010 09:00 AM
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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent , they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday . The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.' Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.' ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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12/25/2010 09:12 PM
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A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?"she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair."I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anythingI can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room". ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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10/19/2009 03:23 AM
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington physics mid term.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student however wrote the following profound answer: 'First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilties: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+. ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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10/20/2009 01:10 AM
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My Grandma turned 90 and wanted to keep in shape, so she started walking 2 miles a day. That was 2 months ago, now we don't know where the hell she is.
------------------------- Discounted wetsuits... |
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10/21/2009 08:36 AM
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What's the best part about having Alzheimer's?
You get to hide your own easter eggs. ------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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10/21/2009 07:11 PM
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A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.' ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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10/24/2009 08:36 AM
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While reading a link off a link off the 2L article about Victorian-era slang, I stumbled across
this page with this youtube video. Watch the vid for a good laugh. ------------------------- That boy's got somethin' wrong with his medulla oblongata. |
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12/16/2009 05:51 PM
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: Yes, they're real. ------------------------- |
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12/17/2009 05:29 AM
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welcome to the board, Christina!
------------------------- Water dissolving...and water removing There is water at the bottom of the ocean |
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12/17/2009 05:41 AM
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: Oh, it's real... : yeah, go ahead... ------------------------- |
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12/17/2009 05:52 AM
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yeah, they're real, and yes - they are AMAZING
------------------------- Water dissolving...and water removing There is water at the bottom of the ocean |
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09/22/2010 08:04 AM
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Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy . In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card. That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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09/26/2010 09:30 AM
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.' ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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12/09/2010 11:44 AM
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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough". "Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her". Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this". She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way." ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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12/10/2010 02:21 PM
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Guido, the champion Italian lover... She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
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03/03/2011 06:16 AM
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One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times." |
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03/04/2011 08:42 AM
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Man says to a woman, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
The woman quickly replies "Of course"
The man asks "What about for $50?"
Woman: "$50? What do you think I am, a whore?"
Man: "Well, we've already established that; now we're just negotiating a price..."
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03/05/2011 03:54 PM
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An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!" (Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have pooped in it!") The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!" The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!" |
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04/02/2011 11:08 AM
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Man goes to Lawyer for help.
Man: What is your least expensive fee? Layer: $50 for three questions. Man: That's pretty expensive, isn't it? Lawyer: Yes. So what's your third question? |
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02/16/2011 08:10 AM
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Dyslexic walks into the Bank and shouts,"Air in the hands, Mother-stickers, this is a fuckup!"
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03/28/2011 07:14 AM
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A pedophile is walking into the woods with a little kid. The kid says, “I’m scared, Mister!” The pedophile says, “You’re scared—I have to walk home alone!” A man and a woman are in an elevator. The man turns to the woman and says, “Can I smell your vagina?” The woman said, “NO!” The man says, “Oh. Then it must be your feet.” |
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04/04/2011 10:17 AM
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The Candy With The Little Hole
The children began to identify the flavors by their color: Red....................Cherry Yellow................Lemon Green..................Lime Orange..............Orange Finally the teacher gave them all-HONEY Lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my gosh! They're ass-holes! The teacher had to leave the room! ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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04/04/2011 11:36 AM
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Repeat
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07/06/2011 11:44 AM
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Why don't women drink beer on the beach?
They don't want to get sand in their Schlitz. ------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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07/06/2011 12:24 PM
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Three Little Old Ladies
Velma, Thelma and Alice accidentally walk into a male strip club.
Before they realize what's happened, they're seated in the front row.
A well-endowed male dancer begins gyrating all around them.
When Velma sees this, she has a stroke. After a few seconds, Thelma has a stroke.
Alice, with a slight grin on her face, nearly has a stroke...........................
...but her arms aren't quite long enough!
------------------------- Un lobo solomente |
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07/26/2011 09:05 AM
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One foggy night, a Hurricane fan was heading north from Miami and a Gator fan was driving south from Gainesville. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.
The Hurricane fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Gator fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived. The Gator fan walks over to the Hurricane fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals." The Hurricane fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck." The Hurricane fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Gator, "I think this is another sign--we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Gator fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Gator fan hands it back to the Hurricane fan and says, "Your turn!" The Hurricane fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up." ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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07/27/2011 07:48 AM
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Q: What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
A: Her feet! ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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07/27/2011 08:03 AM
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A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's steering wheel in his pants. Bartender says, "hey buddy, you realize you got a friggin' wheel in your pants, right?" Pirate says, "Ay, and it's driving me nuts." ------------------------- Jesus invented surfing... www.facebook.com/churchonthebeach |
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07/28/2011 06:14 PM
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Wife...reminds me today is "our anniversary. "
So we go out for a special dinner at Wendy's!!! 2 cups of chili and a frosty.. She sarcastically says i should of brought a candle so we could have had a candlelight dinner. i told her i would turn on the dome light for the ride home...... i guess you had to be there..... ------------------------- BurrysBreak Inflation caused The BIG BANG...look it up! |
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08/04/2011 04:20 AM
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Male Fairy Tale: The Princess said, "NO !!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up all the time. ------------------------- |
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08/04/2011 09:36 AM
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Best Ever ^
------------------------- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. |
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08/04/2011 01:06 PM
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what do latina women and florida spiney lobster have in common?
...all the meat is in the rear. 
------------------------- Specializing in sarcasm and condescending rhetoric since 1971. |
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08/08/2011 06:11 AM
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This recession has hit everybody really hard...
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail... Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries... CEO's are now playing miniature golf.Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen... A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced....I saw a Mormon with only one wife...If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them...McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer...Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America ...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names...My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!...A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico...A picture is now only worth 200 words...When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room...The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates...And, finally....I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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08/09/2011 10:16 AM
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I was in the back yard the other day and met my new neighbor. He told me he worked in logistics. "Hows that work?" I asked "It's working with logic," he said. "I don't understand" I said. "Well," he said "let me show you. I see you have a dog house, logic tells me you have a dog." "Yep," I said. "If you have a dog, logic tells me you probably have kids." "right again" I said. "If you have kids, logic tells me you're married and thus a heterosexual." "Right you are on all counts." After a few moments we parted and I saw my other neighbor who called me over to ask about the new guy. "Oh he's smart," I told him. "works in logistics." "Hows that work?" he asked. "You have a dog?" "No" "FAG!!!!!!!!!!" ------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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08/09/2011 11:41 AM
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Brujo, Did my dad tell you that joke, lol, he tells that one ALL the time. ------------------------- |
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08/09/2011 03:59 PM
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My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that. What she actually said was...... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed." |
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08/09/2011 04:00 PM
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Know what a condom and a wife have in common?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. |
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08/09/2011 04:03 PM
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Did my dad tell you that joke, lol, he tells that one ALL the time. Jose. Estoy tu padre. (that was my Dartho Vadero imitation) ------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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08/22/2011 09:35 AM
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------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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08/23/2011 12:03 PM
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THE TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR AN ALABAMA BOY SAY:
31. When I retire, I'm movin' north. 30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen. 29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 28. Duct tape won't fix that. 27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken 26. We don't keep firearms in this house. 25. You can't feed that to the dog. 24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 23. Wrestling is fake. 22. We're vegetarians. 21. Do you think my gut is too big? 20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 19. Honey, we don't need another dog. 18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War? 17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 14. Trim the fat off that steak. 13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 12. The tires on that truck are too big. 11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE. 10. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 9.. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 8.. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 7. Checkmate 6.. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 5.. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 4.. I don't have a favorite college team. 3.. You Guys. 2.. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae. AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY: 1.. Nope, no more beer for me... I'm driving ! ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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08/22/2012 07:12 AM
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when you're walking down the hall and you feel something fall, diarrhea |
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08/22/2013 11:09 AM
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A bear walks into a bar, and goes and sits at the table. The bartender says "What'll it be?." The bear replys, "I will have a................beer." The bartender askes "Why the big pause?" Then the bear responds, "Oh, I was born with em' |
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08/22/2013 03:18 PM
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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and orders a beer. The bartender says, “We don’t serve beers to bears in bars in Billings.” The bear is furious. “Do you see that woman at the end of the bar? If you don’t serve me a beer right now, I’m going to go over there and eat her!” The bartender says, “Do as you will. We don’t serve beers to bears in bars in Billings.” The enraged bear roars down to the end of the bar and gobbles the woman right up. He saunters back over to the bartender and smugly says, “Now are you gonna give me a beer?” The bartender says, “We don’t serve beers to bears in bars in Billings on drugs.” “On drugs?!” the bear says. “I’m not on drugs!” To which the bartender replies, “Yes you are. That was a bar bitch you ate.” |
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10/02/2010 03:41 PM
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(Accidental Post, Sorry) Edited: 10/02/2010 at 03:55 PM by Tstdamo |
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10/02/2010 03:42 PM
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That is an amazing joke!!! I've never heard that one before!! |
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10/04/2010 06:33 AM
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An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to a urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
The old guy obeys and says, '99.'
The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
Again, the old guy says, '99'.
The doctor says, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'."
The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three ...
------------------------- “It is the heart of US policy to use fascism to preserve capitalism while claiming to be saving democracy from communism “ - Michael Parenti |
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10/04/2010 01:15 PM
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After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man:
'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.' After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?' 'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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10/05/2010 04:40 PM
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Times are rough so the old farmer decides to sell his donkey. Next day he and his grandson head to town with donkey in tow. They pass a group of villagers who comment " look at those dummy's walking when they could ride" So the grandpa puts the boy on the donkey and continues on. They pass another group of villagers who comment "look at that young boy riding and making the old man walk". The boy feels bad so he trades places. They pass another group of villagers who comment "the old man is riding and making the boy walk, when they could both ride", so the boy gets on. They pass another group of villagers who comment "look at those two fools wearing out that little donkey" Now they both feel bad and decide to both carry the donkey. They come to a narrow rope bridge over the river. The wind and swinging bridge cause them to loose their balance and drop the donkey into the swift current below. Moral of this story is that if you try and please everyone, you just might loose your ass. |
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10/07/2010 07:43 AM
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.' ------------------------- "This is U.S. History. I see the globe right there" |
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10/08/2010 05:26 AM
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A Tennessee couple-- Dave and Rebecca Kosmitis, both bona-fide rednecks, have 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting Dave 'fixed'. The doctor went over the procedure and asked them after 9 kids why did you finally decide to get this done? Dave replied that they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.... ------------------------- |
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10/10/2010 07:42 PM
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10/11/2010 10:56 AM
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A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is a ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to go first?" The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?" The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way." |
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10/13/2010 05:54 AM
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving." |
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10/13/2010 06:44 AM
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Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' ------------------------- |
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10/14/2010 07:10 AM
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally corporate minded fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck." ------------------------- |
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10/14/2010 06:19 PM
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CNN reports that one Chilean miner came out and saw his own shadow and went back down. Looks like 6 more weeks of winter.
------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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10/18/2010 08:03 AM
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*In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where
do most women have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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10/22/2010 07:27 AM
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INTERESTING OBSERVATION
And.......
------------------------- |
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10/30/2010 11:43 AM
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11/01/2010 06:49 AM
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Sorry about the small file...
------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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06/01/2009 01:34 PM
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1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewerheart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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06/04/2009 07:30 AM
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The three little pigs are running for their lives from the straw house to the wood house and then from the wood house to the brick house. Once they escaped the big bad wolf inside the brick house, the big bad wolf started looking for ways to gain entrance into the house. Almost immediately, a big black limousine pulled up in a cloud of dust and stopped right in front of the brick house. The black tinted window rolled down and the tip of an AK 47 stuck and promptly mowed down the big bad wolf in his tracks before he could even move. The window rolled up, the limo rolled out and the three little pigs came out and looked at the big bad wolf as he clutched his bloody mid section. "Who did this to me?" asked the big bad wolf. "Those were our cousins, the guinea pigs."
------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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06/06/2009 07:37 AM
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Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Rusty, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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06/11/2009 07:40 PM
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A mother and her 5 yr. old son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did...." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you." ------------------------- crazy like a fox! ha ha > Vote for Rewind Cain, he'll get it right....eventually. |
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06/14/2009 04:14 PM
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Skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender says, "what'll it be?". Skeleton says, "I'll have a beer and a mop.".
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06/14/2009 08:11 PM
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what do u call two mexicans playing basketball?
........... jaun on juan, ------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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06/14/2009 08:12 PM
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a horse walks into a bar,the bartender says "why the long face?"
hahahahahahahahahahaaha this one gets me in tears laughing every time i tell it. i dunno why. ------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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06/14/2009 08:39 PM
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Melvin, a retarded man, used to come to our little baptist church.
He was concerned about his soul and wanted to be saved. When the minister gave the altar call, Melvin went down the isle to meet with the minister. He told Melvin about Jesus and Melvin prayed the sinner's prayer. With Melvin standing by his side at the front of the church, the minister motioned for the crowd to stop singing and listen. He then asked Melvin if he had indeed asked Jesus for salvation, to which Melvin loudly replied, "You damn right I did!" Needless to say Melvin brought the whole house down! |
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06/15/2009 09:22 AM
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A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?' ------------------------- Romans 8;18-32 John 3;16-18 |
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06/16/2009 06:21 AM
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Subject: Three Dogs
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?" The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed. TheYellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down. "The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked,"why are you here?" The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away". The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The Yellow Lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped! ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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06/22/2009 02:38 PM
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The Veterinarian
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. 'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate, he stated. 'Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church' The pastor replied, 'that's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?' The elderly woman answered $10,000 a week.' The pastor was amazed, your son is very successful; what does he do for a living? 'He is a veterinarian, she answered. 'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money, the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?' The woman answered proudly, in Nevada, he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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06/29/2009 08:08 AM
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What's the difference between God and Barak Obama?
God doesn't think he's Obama. What's another differnece? God only wants 10% of your income! 
waka waka ------------------------- Specializing in sarcasm and condescending rhetoric since 1971. |
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06/30/2009 08:35 PM
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A Sheriff in a small town in Texas
walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?' The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff .... I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. ' 'And here I am.' Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist ------------------------- crazy like a fox! ha ha > Vote for Rewind Cain, he'll get it right....eventually. |
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07/01/2009 11:39 PM
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted ------------------------- http://www.crsurf.com ~ CR Surf Travel Company http://www.vacationsbygreg.com Instagram - @crsurf |
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07/02/2009 12:50 PM
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In order to continue getting-by in America, we all need to understand that English is coming in more forms! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to better understand your newer fellow citizens. Now, here goes... The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today...... Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???" Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs." Room Service: "Ow July den?" Guest: ".....What??" Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?" Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please." Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" Guest: "Crisp will be fine." Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?" Guest: "What?" Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?" Guest: "I... don't think so." =0 A RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???" Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means." RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RoomService: "We bodder?" Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side." RoomService: "Wad?!?" Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side." RoomService: "Copy?" Guest: "Excuse me?" RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?" Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything." RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??" Guest: "Whatever you say." RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds." Guest: "You're welcome" Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do, don't you! ------------------------- Romans 8;18-32 John 3;16-18 |
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07/02/2009 01:02 PM
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A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once th e surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.' ------------------------- Romans 8;18-32 John 3;16-18 |
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07/06/2009 06:27 AM
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At the Pearly Gates, St Peter welcomed Farrah and told her she could have one wish granted for her long suffering. Immediately she wished that all the children in the world would be safe!
At that very moment Michael Jackson dropped dead. Then, when Michael approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him what he wanted. Michael said he needed someone especially gifted to make a pitch for him on his behalf to God. Billy Mays never knew what hit him. ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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07/06/2009 09:40 AM
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I heard it told differently: (don't kill the messenger)
At the Pearly Gates, St Peter welcomed Farrah and told her she could have one wish granted for her long suffering. Immediately she wished that all the children in the world would be safe! At that very moment Michael Jackson dropped dead. Then, when Michael approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him what he wanted. Michael said he really wanted for somebody to truly make him white.... then he heard a voice behind him saying " Blly Mays here, with OXY-Clean" ------------------------- |
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07/06/2009 05:37 PM
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A Priest was soon to finish his tour of duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.' The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.' The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.' The chief grunts, 'Rock.' They hear a rustling in the bushes and see a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding bike!' The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, 'My bike!' ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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09/09/2009 07:25 PM
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A young woman gets on a bus holding her newborn infant. The bus driver looks and exclaims: "My God...that's the UGLIEST baby I've EVER seen!"
Tearfully the woman walks down the aisle and finds a seat next to an elderly man. The man, sees she's upset says: "Miss, are you alright?" The woman, sobbing says: "That bus driver..sniff..sniff...I've never be so insulted." "The bus driver...he insulted you?" says the gentleman. The young woman says, "Yes...he did". The older fella says: "Well then...you go right back up there and tell him off! I'll watch your monkey." ------------------------- The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness - John Kenneth Galbraith |
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09/10/2009 10:07 AM
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A contestant, Sally, on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it: A) The condor B) The buzzard C) The cuckoo D) The vulture The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because.... Well, her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.' The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast... She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.' 'Is that your final answer?' 'Yes, that is my final answer.' 'That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!' Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. 'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?' 'Oh, come on,' said the blonde, 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.' Sally fainted. ------------------------- Dora Hates You |
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07/06/2009 05:39 PM
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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked,
"Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "Do you need a lift?" "Not for me, I'll be spending the next couple of hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which I'm supposed to take to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!" "Oh," said the blonde,"We've been to the zoo and we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World. " ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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07/07/2009 02:22 PM
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What do McDonalds and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both put 50 year old meat in between 10 year old buns. |
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07/10/2009 06:19 AM
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A REDHEAD and her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The REDHEAD jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The REDHEAD finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The REDHEAD says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it! (of course you know what it really said instead of REDHEAD) ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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07/10/2009 03:35 PM
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What did Mark Occolupo say when someone knocked on the bathroom door while he was taking a dump?
"It's OCCYpied". And what did the Italian surfer say when he got caught inside at The Bay on the North Shore? Why-a-me-a? ------------------------- Praise Him Daily |
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07/11/2009 04:42 PM
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A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep." ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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07/13/2009 12:13 PM
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Seen on Jay Leno's "Jay walking" where he asks regular people simple questions:
Jay: "Where in the world do people speak Gaelic?" Woman: "I don't know, San Francisco?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Definition of "innuendo" ...... An Italian suppository.....
------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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07/15/2009 12:49 PM
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: All Blonds aren't dumb
A blond city girl, Amy, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay? The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.' ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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07/16/2009 05:29 PM
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A lady in a small town is getting her dog ready for the show at the county fair when her clippers break with one paw to go.
She runs to the corner store and asks the pharmacist for some nair. Pharmacist says "now if you use this under your arms or on your legs be sure to rinse it all off good or it will burn". Lady says "I plan on putting it on my schnauzer". Pharmacist says "in that case, don't ride your bike for a week" Rim shot sound..... ------------------------- www.louisbarrphotography.com Like my Facebook fanpage Edited: 07/16/2009 at 05:30 PM by LouisB |
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07/19/2009 11:03 PM
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A new supermarket opened in Melbourne . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. |
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07/20/2009 04:14 PM
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God tells St. Peter that heaven is getting too crowded and he needs to figure out a way to make it more difficult to get in. So St. Peter decides to ask a Biblical question as people approach the gate.
As the first person approaches, St. Peter asks "Who build the Ark?" The person answered "Noah". He was able to enter.
For the next person he asked "Who parted the Red Sea?". The person answered "Moses". He was able to enter.
St. Peter realized that his questions were too easy, so he decided to ramp it up a bit.
As the next person approached, St. Peter asked "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The person, thought for a moment and said "That's a hard one...". St. Peter said "Dang it, you can enter".
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07/24/2009 04:31 AM
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These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.. Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING! ------------------------- crazy like a fox! ha ha > Vote for Rewind Cain, he'll get it right....eventually. |
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07/26/2009 08:01 AM
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A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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07/26/2009 08:04 AM
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Sex in the Dark ....
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids." ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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07/27/2009 04:04 PM
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Give Generously
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the holdup?' 'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Barney Frank, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom....Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection..' The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?' 'About a gallon.' ------------------------- crazy like a fox! ha ha > Vote for Rewind Cain, he'll get it right....eventually. |
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07/27/2009 05:36 PM
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Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living (which he has never done before in his life), he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.
Barack drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bullshit!'
The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'
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09/08/2009 01:18 PM
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The Fishing Trip
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home, frustrated. The following week, when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave was already there. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to," Dave replied. I went home from work last night and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'... When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'...... SO HERE I AM!" |
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09/25/2009 11:11 AM
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CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.' KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!' |
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08/04/2009 03:58 PM
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A lawyer boarded
> an airplane in New Orleans with a box > of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care > of them for him. > > She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's > refrigerator. > > He advised her that he was holding her personally > responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very > haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant > at her about what would happen if she let them thaw > out. > > Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. > > Shortly before landing in New York she used > the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would > the man who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please > raise your hand?" > > > > > > > > Not > one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate > them. > > Two lessons here: > > 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. > > 2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks > think. ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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08/06/2009 04:46 AM
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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE! I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 35 ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED HOLYHEAD COUNTY SCHOOL 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M AN EX PUPIL HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1965.. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'OH, WHAT DID YOU TEACH ?!' ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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08/07/2009 10:51 AM
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Two Newfies got a pilot to fly them to Northern Quebec to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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08/09/2009 12:25 PM
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Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a
little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'' She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems. 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.' Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.' Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.' ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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08/10/2009 12:30 PM
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A guy from New York (Tony) and an older guy from the south (Bubba) were at a bar drinking, and comparing the south to NY. The NYer was adamant about how much better is was up north.
"We do things so much better, we are inovatorslet me give an example: You eat oranges, right?" Tony asked, chewing his gum loudly as he spoke. "Of course," Bubba replied. "Do you keep the orange peel when you're done?" "Nope" said Bubba, "we throw it away." Tony smiled and said, "Well, we take those peels, and dry them, and grind them, and make vitamin C tablets to sell to you dumb southerners." Bubba just huffed at him. "How about eggs? You eat eggs, right?" asked Tony. "Yup" came the reply. "And you throw away the shells, I assume?" "Yup," said Bubba. Tony smiled again, "Well, we take the shells, grind them up, make Calcium pills and sell them to you dumb southerners!" Bubba was mad, but didn't show it. He calmly looked at the NYer chewing gum, and said, "You NYers like chewing gum, I see." "Hell yeah!" came the reply, "We love it, chew it all the time. "That's nice. How about sex? You like having sex?" "Of course," said Tony, "Even better thatn chewing gum." He joked. "And you are safe? You use protection?" asked Bubba. "Yeah, we don't want tons of kids running around." Tony answered. "What do you do with the condom afterward?" asked Bubba. "Well, we throw it away, of course. Why, do you use them as ballons?" Tony joked. "No, sir," Bubba said with a sly grin, "We also reuse things here. We take the used condoms, repakage them, and sell them to New Yorkers as chewing gum!" ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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07/29/2009 04:51 PM
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"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think About the work ers in the vineyards and all of their hopes And dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their Dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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07/30/2009 05:41 AM
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Irish Wisdom.
Paddy and Murphy are sitting in the bar drinking a Guinness as usual. Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which, Murphy responds: "You stupid idiot, If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the f*$kin boat!" ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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07/31/2009 12:54 PM
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The CIA, FBI, and NYPD decide to have a contest to see who's best at catching criminals.
A rabbit is released into a forrest and each organization is to try and bring the rabbit in. The CIA places animal infomants throughout the forrest and hidden microphones in trees. After three months they conculde that rabbits don't exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest killing everything in it. The NYPD goes in. Two hours later they come out leading a badly beaten bear by the ear. The bear is yelling "okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!" ------------------------- “It is the heart of US policy to use fascism to preserve capitalism while claiming to be saving democracy from communism “ - Michael Parenti |
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07/31/2009 01:42 PM
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So a mouse is walking through the woods and he hears a distress call from another animal. He searches out the call and finds an elephant caught in a huge hole. So the mouse offers help but says "how is a mouse going to pull an elephant out of a deep hole." Well the mouse gets a vine throws it in the hole a pulls with all his might, to no avail. The mouse says "i have an idea, ill be right back". One hour later he returns in a Mercedes and ties the vine to the bumper and throws it in the hole. He gets in the car, puts it inl ow and wouldnt you know it, the elephant come right out of the hole.The elephant politely thanks him and says i hope I can repay you some day.
Several months pass............... Now the elephant is walking thru the woods and he hears a distress call and sure enough the mouse is stuck in the same hole. Well, the elephant says this should be easy. So he approaches the hole coming forward and drops his trunk into the hole but the mouse is just out of reach. The elephant says I know and approaches the hole tail first and drops his tail in the hole, again the mouse is just out of reach. Then the elephant says "I know" and he straddles the the whole hole and drops his dick into the hole and wham right to the bottom and the mouse climbs up and out of the hole................................................................ oh, you want to know the moral of the story.... YOU DONT NEED A MERCEDES IF YOU HAVE A BIG DICK |
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08/26/2009 05:41 AM
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The Old Man And The Ring
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special. "At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it. "The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!" |
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08/27/2009 07:24 PM
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Knock knock who's there? interrupting cow interrupting cMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! |
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09/27/2009 07:23 PM
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A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs, etc...... The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact... He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A? ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! Edited: 09/27/2009 at 07:25 PM by JBSURF |
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09/29/2009 11:14 PM
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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.' |
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02/13/2010 06:49 PM
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A husband and wife are sitting together watching a piece on tv about mixed emotions.
Husband turns to his wife and says "this is stupid, there is no possible way I can feel good and bad at the same time" Wife turns to him and says "you have the biggest penis out of all your friends" ------------------------- A horse walks in to a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face?" |
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02/13/2010 08:03 PM
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Only if you have time...
Longview Texas' own Larry Williams. Damn does this remind me of home. Best line in the history of the world... "we can sing together, but we can't talk together" BAM!!! ------------------------- A horse walks in to a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face?" |
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02/14/2010 08:12 AM
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02/15/2010 02:43 AM
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artman wins .
------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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02/15/2010 10:16 AM
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hazards of mountain biking: note small white sign
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02/16/2010 08:10 AM
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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on
top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen,
This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
Spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
He kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do
Whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my Ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had Any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong. I love you, too.'
------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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02/16/2010 02:07 PM
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What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe ? - Ro-ber- to |
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03/13/2010 04:18 PM
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His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
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03/15/2010 08:38 PM
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In the spirit of St Pat's Day. . .Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, now the pedestrians may cross the street." After a couple of minutes, he allowed the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Isn't about time yeh let the Catholics across?"
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03/16/2010 06:21 AM
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My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
Imagine my surprise at the generous gift of a brand new Rolex... ...I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch. ------------------------- Our position is tax cuts for the middle class. Theirs is tax cuts for millionaires. |
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03/16/2010 07:33 AM
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I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
------------------------- “It is the heart of US policy to use fascism to preserve capitalism while claiming to be saving democracy from communism “ - Michael Parenti |
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03/17/2010 11:27 AM
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
>> None. It should be opened when she brings it.
>> -----------------------------------------------------------
>> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
>> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
>> probably
>> never be able to support you.
>> -----------------------------------------------------------
>> Why do women have smaller feet than men?
>> It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
>> Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
>> -----------------------------------------------------------
>> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
>> When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me......'
>> -----------------------------------------------------------
>> How do you fix a woman's watch?
>> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------
>> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
>> front door,
>> who do you let in first?
>> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------
>> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
>> 90%.
>> It's called a Wedding Cake.
>> ----------------------------------------------------
>> Why do men die before their wives?
>> They want to.
>> ------------------------------------------------------
>> Women will never be equal to men
>> Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
>> And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------- “It is the heart of US policy to use fascism to preserve capitalism while claiming to be saving democracy from communism “ - Michael Parenti |
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03/18/2010 07:10 AM
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A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.
"His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's not a pig, but a sheep, you idiot." The man says: "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you." |
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03/25/2010 09:34 AM
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Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband she slept at a friend's house. The man called the woman's ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home on night. The next morning he told his wife he slept at a friend's house. The woman called the man's ten best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
------------------------- “It is the heart of US policy to use fascism to preserve capitalism while claiming to be saving democracy from communism “ - Michael Parenti |
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03/29/2010 01:19 PM
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A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant..
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What the heck's wrong with you?" He demanded. "This woman is 64 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren , and you told her she was pregnant???!!!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:..........."Does she still have the hiccups"? |
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03/30/2010 03:19 AM
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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...... 'Will you marry me?'
The Princess said, 'NO!!!' And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and Scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The End |
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03/31/2010 06:48 AM
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A first grade class comes back from recess and the teacher announces a spelling exercise, they tell her what they did during recess and she'll pick a word for them to spell and a correct answer will get a cookie." Sally, what did you do during recess?" I played in the sand box with billy". "OK, spell sand. "S-a-n-d --- sand." Good, you can have a cookie." Billy , what did you do?" I played in the sand box with Sally". Ok, spell box. "B-o- x -- box ".Good, you can have a cookie." Leroy( black kid) what did you do? His eyes welled up with tears and he said , " I tried to play with Sally and Billy but they threw sand and rocks at me" The teacher says, " That sounds like blatant racial discrimination, if you can spell blatant racial discrimination, you can have a cookie! |
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03/31/2010 07:14 AM
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I think that it's necessary to bring back the internet classic of 1974 Weight Watcher Recipe Cards so everyone can be reminded of just how demented and wrong they were.
THIS LINK STARTS THE TOUR -- Just click on the >> to progress through the awfulness. Here are a few highlights of the nastiness:
Once upon a time the world was young and the words "mackerel" and "pudding" existed far, far away from one another. One day, that all changed. And then, whoever was responsible somehow thought the word fluffy would help. Oh, and eggs, too.
Yes, let's have these in brandy snifters. Let's just tip our heads back and let the chunks slide in. The time you spent eating these is time you'll want back at the very end of your life. That's why they're served with a clock.
I had no idea frankfurters could be so spectacular. Wow! I would almost be willing to upholster a whole damn pineapple with pork product just to be able to say I was serving Frankfurter Spectacular. Say it with me: Frankfurter! Spectacular! Why would you even want to eat this? Why, when you could keep your mouth busy for hours just by repeating the life-affirming phrase that is "Frankfurter Spectacular." FRANKFURTER SPECTACULAR! Thank you.
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04/07/2010 10:03 AM
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A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?" Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, Sir? "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?" "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!" |
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04/12/2010 04:33 AM
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A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says... "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!" |
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04/13/2010 06:44 AM
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There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.'' He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.'' He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. So he quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.'' He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.'' He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.'' He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17. The voice says, ''DAMN!'' |
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02/19/2010 05:01 AM
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A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked." ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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02/22/2010 07:34 AM
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. |
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02/23/2010 07:08 AM
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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.......
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Steve, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Steve replied. She ran out of the room. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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02/24/2010 12:38 PM
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VATICAN HUMOR
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..) 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?' Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?' Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!' ------------------------- Romans 8;18-32 John 3;16-18 |
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02/27/2010 11:58 AM
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FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL.
I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A VEGETARIAN. WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN LACK AMBITION. YOUR KID MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT IF WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT ANIMALS, WHY ARE THEY MADE WITH MEAT? FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT. I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT. IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER. LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS. ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST. SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM. PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE. VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE. WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR. GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE. WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF "SMART." WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. 3 KINDS OF PEOPLE: THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO CAN'T. WHY IS "ABBREVIATION" SUCH A LONG WORD? EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN? DIPLOMACY IS THE ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"... TILL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK. I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES. "AUNTIE EM: HATE YOU, HATE KANSAS, TAKING THE DOG." -DOROTHY LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF. ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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03/03/2010 09:20 AM
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Only in California could this happen. Some days are better than others.
------------------------- "This is U.S. History. I see the globe right there" |
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03/04/2010 05:13 PM
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Those are great mama G! I love bumper sticker humor!
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03/06/2010 08:42 PM
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What do you get when cross an elephant and a rhino? The (h)elephino.
------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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03/07/2010 04:58 AM
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85 year old Mel is sitting at the bar in the clubhouse with his buddies when all of a sudden a beautiful young blonde comes over , hops on his lap , gives him a kiss and says she'll be back in a few.His friends are stunned, Mel where did you get such a beautiful girlfriend?" She's not my girlfriend she's my wife". What? How? |
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03/08/2010 10:30 AM
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Woman walks into a bar and says to the barman, can you give me a double entendre? He replies "Sure, I'll give you one"
A cowboy walks into a bar. He spends a couple of hours by himself, pouring them back. Without saying a word he stands up, goes outside and returns a few minutes later. Visibly upset he yells, "Hey! Who's the wise-guy that painted my horse green?” A very large and particularly mean looking cowboy stands up and says, "I did. What's it to you?”
A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says “you know, we have a drink named after you” to which the grasshopper replies “Why on earth would anybody name a drink Bob?”
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
How do you catch a polar bear?
Q: Why did Sarah Palin change a light bulb that hadn't burned out?
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. ------------------------- If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph: THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD WAS MUSIC - KV |
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03/08/2010 05:56 PM
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What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS ??
A Bitch that WILL find you ! If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat and it started to sink who would be saved ??? AMERICA !!!! |
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03/09/2010 01:30 PM
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We The salesman sat in the The I stated Looking We had to walk back to the dealership. ------------------------- Romans 8;18-32 John 3;16-18 |
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03/09/2010 06:29 PM
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What does Yoko Ono have in common with Haitians?
She'd starve to death if it wasn't for dead beetles. |
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03/10/2010 07:46 AM
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One legged chick says to bartender at titty bar, they have jobs for girls with big titties, why don't they have jobs for chicks with one leg? Bartender replies, they do, IHOP! ------------------------- Rick: So this is where you work Turtle? Turtle: Only when da surf's bad, Barney. Cause' when da surf's good, nobody works! |
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03/13/2010 05:52 AM
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Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the
car comes to a stop. Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving. So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old. "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy. Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy. The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy. "I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow." ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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04/06/2010 06:14 AM
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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.He drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, who produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,... "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
As he walked away, the man turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man hurried home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife excitedly began throwing off her clothes, and then asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition. Because........ we too could end up with a dangling participle. |
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04/06/2010 02:25 PM
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I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it.She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still Looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, Unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She Asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do Was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, Removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I did the deed. It was so wonderful, that Unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you Put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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04/07/2010 10:03 AM
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A scotsman is passed out drunk in front of the pub when two american tourist girls walk up . They want to find out if the rumors are true, do scotsmen wear anything under their kilts? They lift up his kilt to find indeed it is true. One of the girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his pecker. When he wakes up he says(in your best scottish accent) "well I don't know where ya been or whacha been doing. but I'm glad ya won first prize"
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04/07/2010 10:06 AM
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How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the south? Because if it was invented anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush.
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04/07/2010 03:01 PM
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A pirate walks into a bar and says " I'll be havin a beer please" the bartender says "sure, but i can't help noticing you got a steering wheel shoved down the front of your pants", pirate says " I know it's been driven me nuts"
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04/08/2010 12:15 PM
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
doughnuts. ------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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04/09/2010 08:29 AM
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Why do Italian girls watch pornos until the end? They want to see if the guy proposes.
------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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04/09/2010 01:27 PM
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What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. ------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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04/10/2010 05:15 PM
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'. One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!' Edited: 04/11/2010 at 04:22 AM by artman |
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04/10/2010 07:19 PM
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes ------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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04/12/2010 10:42 AM
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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine? ------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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04/13/2010 01:53 PM
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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. ------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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04/15/2010 06:55 AM
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------------------------- Romans 8;18-32 John 3;16-18 |
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04/15/2010 11:33 AM
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Crankit, u can have fillet minjon every night of the week but eventually ur gonna want a greasy cheeseburger .
------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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04/15/2010 12:25 PM
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I've heard that!! ------------------------- Romans 8;18-32 John 3;16-18 |
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04/15/2010 05:50 PM
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How does a man fake an orgasm?
Do her doggy style, pull it out and spit on her back. |
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04/16/2010 05:50 AM
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04/16/2010 11:22 AM
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Speakinf of fake orgasms, a guy asks his friend if thinks that the women he has been with have ever faked their orgasms and the guy says "yes, I insist on it."
------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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04/16/2010 12:35 PM
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Yeah, but I hate it when they do that about 5 minutes after I'm done.
------------------------- That boy's got somethin' wrong with his medulla oblongata. |
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06/04/2010 07:01 AM
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A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred
to the Mountains of North Carolina and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid. "But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!" |
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06/16/2010 07:49 AM
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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat, picked at his lunch and watched the clock all day. He figured if he could get by until midnight he'd be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!" |
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07/08/2010 08:41 AM
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A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked: "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland British way, the British Colonel informed the general that the reason British officers wear red coat is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading, won't panic. And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers! And now you know... |
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07/09/2010 06:56 AM
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A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD.
As he sits at the bar and notices a grizzly old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, "Nah, you go ahead." Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl. The old biker quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too!" |
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07/12/2010 06:25 PM
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Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before." The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones." |
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07/13/2010 06:11 PM
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do, every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!" Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?" ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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07/15/2010 04:02 AM
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Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.' Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,
Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off.'
------------------------- crazy like a fox! ha ha > Vote for Rewind Cain, he'll get it right....eventually. |
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07/15/2010 07:31 AM
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A middle age woman comes home from the store 4hrs. late, her husband asks "where the hell have you been"? The woman replies," I stopped to get a tatoo". The husband says what, "you got a tatoo? where and what is it"? Woman says" it's a mouse and it's on my inner thigh". Husband says" let me see it". Woman lifts up her dress and husband can't see it." Where is it"? Woman says "oh my pussy must of ate it".
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07/17/2010 07:44 AM
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A precious little girl walks into a petshop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit." ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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09/27/2010 06:17 AM
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?" ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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09/27/2010 12:47 PM
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A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and "in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbors' male dog while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house, however, and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate. Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw". "Do you think that will work?" she asked "It just worked for me" he replied. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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09/28/2010 05:37 PM
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Homeless Man's Funeral
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently I'm still lost.... |
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09/28/2010 05:47 PM
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As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person: QUOTE FROM HAROLD: I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and rum into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it. Harold should be an inspiration to us all. |
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09/29/2010 05:36 AM
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His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. |
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09/29/2010 03:07 PM
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History.
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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07/17/2010 03:55 PM
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental, " was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental? " exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say ?" He said: "Who f**ked up your hair?" |
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07/17/2010 05:20 PM
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Bad day at Hallmark
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day......... My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry...... ~~~~~~~~~~ Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ L ooking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... 'What the hell was I thinking?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind. -------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------- I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.. That you're not here to ruin it for me. ################################################### Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. ************************************************************* Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad (Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// We have been friends for a very long time . let's say we stop? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here. ===================================================== Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep. ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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07/21/2010 06:21 AM
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A golfer in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him."Arrgh! What happened?" the leprechaun asked.
?"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ya got me fair and square so ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?" "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, "the golfer says. "What a nice guy," the leprechaun thought "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs and a fantastic sex life." A year goes by and the golfer is on the same hole.He again hits a bad drive into the woods and the leprechaun is there waiting for him. "It was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." "And tell me, how's money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states, "When I need cash, I reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And how's yer sex life? How many times a week?" the leprechaun asked. Blushing, the golfer whispers "twice, maybe three times a week." "Sufferin' jeezus, is that all!" cries the leprechaun in shock. "Well," says the golfer, "that's not bad for a catholic priest in a small Parish." |
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07/23/2010 10:19 AM
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ALABAMA
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
GEORGIA
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
LOUISIANA
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."
MISSISSIPPI
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
SOUTH CAROLINA
A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
TENNESSEE
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
TEXAS
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.
------------------------- “It is the heart of US policy to use fascism to preserve capitalism while claiming to be saving democracy from communism “ - Michael Parenti |
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07/28/2010 09:08 AM
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Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced. "Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin "The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan. "Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!" |
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07/29/2010 11:56 AM
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An Australian boarded a flight from Dubai to Melbourne and, after he settled himself in the window seat, a Muslim in his mufti was seated next to him on the aisle. They nodded to each other politely and immersed themselves in their newspapers.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came by with the drinks trolley. The Aussie folded his newspaper and happily asked for a rum and Coke, which was placed before him along with a packet of peanuts. The flight attendant turned to the Muslim and asked him if he would like a drink. He shook his head in disgust and replied firmly, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.' Shocked to hear that, the Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me too... I didn't know we had a choice.' |
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08/01/2010 01:39 PM
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Father Foley woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and as soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Foley headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" |
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08/04/2010 01:18 PM
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Cajun Humor : Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like a tall. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!" ------------------------- "This is U.S. History. I see the globe right there" |
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08/16/2010 06:07 AM
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A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ... "HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows" |
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09/12/2010 09:21 AM
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. ?"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some jack-ass shows up and drinks the whole thing! But, enough about me, how's your day going?" |
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09/12/2010 11:56 AM
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Stories about children can be soooo touching.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' 'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. 'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that shit in Minnesota." Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't? |
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11/05/2010 06:02 AM
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A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals." "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit." ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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11/05/2010 06:06 AM
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?" ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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11/05/2010 06:29 AM
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Revenge of the blond:
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it To the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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11/05/2010 11:30 AM
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Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole.
"Wow . . . that looks deep." "Sure does . . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait . . . no noise
"Man. That is REALLY deep . . . here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . . . and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey . . . over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie.
Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise.
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen . . . Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey . . . you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", say the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.
------------------------- Un lobo solomente |
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11/05/2010 02:45 PM
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So how many goats head deep (high) is the hole?????????????????
------------------------- BurrysBreak Inflation caused The BIG BANG...look it up! |
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11/05/2010 06:17 PM
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Deep.....goat was high tied......
------------------------- Un lobo solomente |
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11/06/2010 05:57 AM
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How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. 2. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow 3. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 5. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden. 7. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 8. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 9. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 10. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 12. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, and drink it. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 13. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 14. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 15. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 16. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell! How To Give A Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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11/12/2010 10:26 AM
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Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.' Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...' MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them. ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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11/15/2010 01:15 PM
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am.
and is asked where he is going at
this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body". The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
------------------------- I :heart; Q |
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11/15/2010 01:23 PM
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body". The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "My wife." Now that is funny! ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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12/16/2010 04:55 AM
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12/30/2010 06:12 AM
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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits. |
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01/08/2011 10:22 AM
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A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?" Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches...." |
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01/08/2011 06:29 PM
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New Dictionary . . .
(Thanks to America's Public Schools) Artery.............................. The study of paintings Bacteria.......................... Back door to the cafeteria Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die Benign............................ What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section............ A neighborhood in Rome Cat scan......................... Searching for Kitty Cauterize - Made eye contact with her Colic - A sheep dog Coma - A punctuation mark Dilate - To live long Enema - Opposite of a friend Fester - Quicker than someone else Fibula - A small lie Impotent - Distinguished, well known Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane Morbid - A higher offer Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates Node - I knew it Outpatient - A person who has fainted Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative - A letter carrier Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery Rectum - Damn near killed him Secretion - Hiding something Seizure - Roman emperor Tablet - A small table Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport or bus station Tumor - One plus one more Urine - Opposite of you're out |
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02/23/2011 10:18 AM
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My Favorite Animal Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now... ------------------------- |
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02/23/2011 11:59 AM
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I myself am a card-carrying member of PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals).
Ron White has a great story: His friend had become a vegetarian and is chastising Ron for not becoming one himself, "... with cow flatulence in the ozone layer, and the clearing of land for the raising of cattle. What are YOU doing to help the environment?" To which Ron replies, "I'm eating the cows..." Then: "I didn't rise to the top of the @#$% food chain to eat carrots!" And: "If God didn't want us to eat the animals, then why did he make them out of MEAT!?" ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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03/08/2011 02:08 PM
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This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."
So I explained to her that my dogs are unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their dads are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first checks Friday. Damn, this is a great country! ------------------------- |
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03/08/2011 08:11 PM
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TODAY'S SIX PACK
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she answered. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake." My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now! She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off... She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" |
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03/09/2011 11:49 AM
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Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive. |
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09/12/2010 11:57 AM
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(Duplicate post. Sorry.)
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08/16/2010 07:24 AM
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At a West Virginia high school graduation, everybody is going to get their diploma but Tom. At the assembly Tom's entire senior class screams, "Let Tom graduate, let Tom graduate!"
The principal in a moment of weakness agrees to give Tom one last chance. "If I have five peaches in my left hand and five peaches in my right hand, Tom, how many peaches do I have?" he asked. Tom thought long and hard and then said: "ten." The entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Tom another chance. Give Tom another chance!" |
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08/16/2010 09:36 AM
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One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
(This is priceless...)
------------------------- "This is U.S. History. I see the globe right there" |
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08/16/2010 11:42 AM
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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08/19/2010 12:48 PM
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Two buddies are golfing and they get held up by a pair of women golfers in front of them. One of the guys suggests to the other that they ask the women if they can play through so as not to be held up. THe one golfer leaves and comes back somewhat abruptly and tells his buddy that he cannot ask the women golfers if he can play through because one is his mistress and the other is his wife. No problem, says the other golfer. He too returns somewhat abruptly and says "small world." ------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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08/21/2010 09:48 AM
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Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix . Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida . Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility. Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama . Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg. |
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09/01/2010 02:08 AM
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There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court.The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this...
"We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?' "I said, I never felt better in my life." |
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09/14/2010 04:58 AM
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A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit? |
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09/16/2010 01:54 PM
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A penguin is having car problems and drops it off at the mechanic's on a hot day. He goes next door to get an ice cream cone while the car is getting checked out. After a bit, he goes back to the mechanic to see what the problem is.
The mechanic says "Hey man, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin wipes his mouth and says "No man, it's just ice cream."
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09/16/2010 02:15 PM
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Robot Lie Detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son! The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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09/17/2010 03:24 PM
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to
get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?" Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!" |
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09/20/2010 08:39 AM
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My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."
------------------------- “It is the heart of US policy to use fascism to preserve capitalism while claiming to be saving democracy from communism “ - Michael Parenti |
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09/21/2010 05:46 PM
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A fat girl served me food in
McDonalds at lunch time, she said "Sorry about the wait," and I said, "Don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually." ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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09/01/2010 07:50 AM
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught." |
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09/02/2010 03:37 PM
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago.' |
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09/03/2010 01:20 PM
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Subject: Warning to all golfers
Buttercups and Golf Balls
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden... POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!... she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back,
'DON'T SWING, Fred, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
------------------------- “It is the heart of US policy to use fascism to preserve capitalism while claiming to be saving democracy from communism “ - Michael Parenti |
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09/06/2010 05:33 AM
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A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either." |
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09/06/2010 01:37 PM
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl, biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: 'Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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09/08/2010 12:09 PM
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A fifth grade Teacher gave her class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. Onetime we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big ump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs onetime, but when they hatched us only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah." Johnny wildly raises his hand. Reluctantly, the teacher asks, "Yes, Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking." ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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09/11/2010 08:21 AM
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You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
You don't even have to like 'em! > > We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve >Party. > We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered >our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. > > We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. > The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the >house. > > As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the >yard, scoots back into the house. > We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always >tries to eat the bird. > > My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside >to get the cat. > The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. > Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know >that the house will be empty for the night. > So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, > 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' > > A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so >long,' I said, as we drove away. > 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke >her a$$ with a coat hanger to get her to come out! > She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, >I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. > But it worked! I hauled her fat a$$ downstairs and threw >her out into the back yard! > She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!' > > The silence in the cab was deafening. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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08/05/2010 02:13 PM
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Hillary asked ... "Have you had sex with Marc?"
Chelsea replied .... "Not according to Dad" |
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08/10/2010 11:49 PM
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One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Timmy was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied. . . ?'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.' The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Timmy aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?' 'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee nd helped get Barack Obama elected President last year. But I was too mbarrassed to say that in front of the class.' |
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08/11/2010 01:14 PM
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What A Beautiful Rack!
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsey, "one child answers. "And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster. "And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children, "she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?" "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!" ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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08/11/2010 02:02 PM
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Thoughts to ponder:
1. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 2. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.. Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A.. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh |
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08/14/2010 02:19 PM
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The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!" |
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08/14/2010 02:39 PM
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A guy wants to go horseback riding and so goes to a stable to rent a horse. The owner shows him a horse and explains to him, "This horse used to be owned by a priest. To make this horse go, you need to say 'Thanks be to God,' and to make the horse stop, you must say 'Amen."
"'Thanks be to God' to make the horse run, and 'Amen' to make him stop. Okay, I think I've got it." The guy mounts the horse. "Giddy-up!" the guy says, then realizes his mistake. "Thanks be to God," he then says, and off the horse goes. He says "Thanks be to God" again and the horse goes faster. Pretty soon the horse is racing at breakneck speed, jumping fences, really tearing up the ground and headed straight for. . . a cliff! "Whoa!" shouts the rider, "whoa!" The horse keeps going, now even faster, and straight towards the edge. Suddenly the guy remembers. "Amen," he shouts at the top of his lungs, and, just like that, the horse skids to a stop only inches from the edge. The horse whinnies, and the guy, gasping for air and sweating furiously, "Whew, that was close, but thanks be to God. . ." |
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08/23/2010 12:32 AM
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The boss had listened in sympathetic silence as Mario went through the reasons why he needed, and felt he deserved, a raise. Then, with a compassionate smile, the CEO patted he younger man on the shoulder.
"Yes, Mario," he said kindly, "I know you can't get married on the salary I'm paying you... and some day you'll thank me for it." |
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08/27/2010 06:09 PM
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Why I'm Depressed:
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago,(when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land." Today, Obama has stolen our shovels, taxed our asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck... ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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08/28/2010 04:49 PM
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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
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08/29/2010 09:26 AM
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The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner. Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air Conditioner' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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04/22/2010 02:04 PM
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least $10,000 in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: "First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's an ugly 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it all in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?" |
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04/25/2010 11:05 AM
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A guy is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette.He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up but doesn't say anything.The man asks, "Son, how old are you?"Little Johnny says, "Six."
2 hours ago · Comment · Like · Share Stunned, the man says, "Six!? When did you start smoking?" Johnny replies, "Right after the first time I had sex." "Right after the first time you had sex? When was that?" Little Johnny answers, "I don't remember. I was drunk." |
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04/25/2010 07:15 PM
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Why do Lesbians shop at Sports Authority?
They don't like Dick's.
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04/26/2010 05:06 AM
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The old man was doing a bit of reflecting. . .
"When I was a boy, Momma would sent me down to the corner store with a Dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, 3 pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, an' half a dozen eggs. "Ya' can't do that nowadays. Too many damn security cameras." |
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04/27/2010 09:43 AM
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Once upon a time, a captain was down in the ship's hold when the first mate came frantically running down to tell him that a pirate ship was moving in on them. The captain looked at the mate and all of the hands behind him, sighed, calmly told the mate to fetch his red shirt and walked up. The captain spoke with the Pirates, resolved the situation peacefully and they all left without incident. The first mate, somewhat astounded at this feat, asked the captain why he needed his red shirt. The captain replied "I thought there might be a scuffle and I didn't want you and the crew panicking at the first sight of blood." Not long after that, the first mate ran down to the hold again and this time told the captain that there were 15 pirate ships moving in on them very quickly. The captain yelled to the mate, quick, fetch my brown pants. ------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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04/28/2010 10:28 AM
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Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. ------------------------- "This is U.S. History. I see the globe right there" |
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04/29/2010 05:13 PM
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Some classic one liners:
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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05/17/2010 04:39 AM
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------------------------- |
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05/18/2010 06:24 AM
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ARIZONA Chili Cookoff
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Arizona. For those of you who have lived in Arizona, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Smithton , Missouri . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Arizonans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT .. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 -- No report. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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05/18/2010 11:49 AM
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Maxine should run for president. She was right on with this one! ------------------------- Romans 8;18-32 John 3;16-18 |
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05/18/2010 11:53 AM
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Thankyou thole. ------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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05/19/2010 11:13 AM
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There was a Blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park and grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a brown paper bag behind the big oak tree in the park tommorrow morning at 7AM, signed The Blonde She pinned the note inside the little boys jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown paperbag behind the oak tree. inside the bag with the money was a note: 'here is your money But I cannot believe that one Blonde would do this to another' ------------------------- |
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05/21/2010 03:56 AM
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Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."Mortified, he too fled. "Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you." They took the bus. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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06/17/2010 12:39 PM
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Q: Who is the most popular guy in a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can hold two cups of coffe and a dozen doghnuts! Q: Who is the most popular girl in that nudist colony? A: The one who can hold the coffee cups and eat the last doughnut! ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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06/25/2010 07:49 AM
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Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them. The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day, give birth to calves and that's why I am the greatest!! The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something... ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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04/17/2010 01:42 PM
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Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong" ------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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05/12/2010 04:48 AM
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" |
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05/21/2010 07:00 AM
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A man watching golf on TV kept switching channel to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife. "For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play golf!" |
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05/21/2010 08:34 AM
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PERFECT UNDERSTANDING
Yankee marries Southern Girl ... not politically correct But Who cares? LOL!
There was a New England Minister. His son got a job transfer to
Louisiana. Two weeks later, the son called the father:
Son: Dad, I met a girl and we're gonna get married.
Dad: Son, you know what they say about those Southern Belles. They
can't cook, they Can't clean house, don't make love, and she's gonna
call you Yankee for the rest of your life.
Son: I don't care. I love her and I'm going to marry her.
Two weeks later, the son called the father again:
Son: Dad, I married her!
Dad: What about all the things I warned you about?
Son: Dad, she cooks like a dream, she keeps the house Spic-&-span and loves sex.
Dad: What about the last thing?
Son: We came to an understanding ...
She doesn't call me Yankee, and I don't call her Ni**er
Regards,
Wesley
------------------------- "Either way, ankle-shin or waist-chest - call it want you want. I call it, I was happy." Sunrisesurfer |
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05/23/2010 04:34 PM
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A man and woman were having marital problems so they
went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common." The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks d*ck." ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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06/25/2010 08:40 AM
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How to get to Heaven from Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all thechildren, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD!" ------------------------- x |
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06/25/2010 08:42 AM
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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it." ------------------------- x |
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05/25/2010 04:54 AM
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." |
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05/25/2010 05:07 AM
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Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar
stool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please.' The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" 'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, hire a car. And drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees. Ah, England !' says the bartender. 'Wonderful Country ... The history, the beer, the culture....' 'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.' 'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender. 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.. |
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05/28/2010 03:44 PM
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit. ------------------------- Specializing in sarcasm and condescending rhetoric since 1971. |
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04/22/2010 03:22 PM
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hahahahaahaha. I love these jokes!
------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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05/12/2010 04:52 PM
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Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you? 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out.. 8. You can eat supper at 4 pm. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list.. ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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06/02/2010 12:31 PM
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." |
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06/03/2010 11:50 AM
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To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin’ boat." ------------------------- Romans 8;18-32 John 3;16-18 |
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06/05/2010 05:52 AM
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I love this thread. It keeps giving and giving - LAUGHS!
------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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06/07/2010 06:53 AM
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Some guys just don't know when to shut up ........
THE FROZEN SKUNK ......... A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?' He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.' 'Where shall I put it to get it warm?' He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. 'But what about the smell?' 'Just hold its little nose.' The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene. ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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06/13/2010 04:38 PM
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A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ------------------------- Romans 8;18-32 John 3;16-18 |
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06/27/2010 03:38 PM
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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade.....' ------------------------- http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/ flsurferz@gmail.com "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss |
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06/28/2010 05:22 PM
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Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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07/02/2010 10:29 AM
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..i just fell out of my chair.. ------------------------- Worst thing I ever read - "No tropical cyclones at this time" |
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08/31/2010 01:09 PM
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09/13/2010 09:49 AM
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The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning ------------------------- Our position is tax cuts for the middle class. Theirs is tax cuts for millionaires. |
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11/22/2010 02:17 PM
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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt
Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me!" exclaims Billy Bob. Then, obviously embarrassed, he says, "Me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor." ------------------------- |
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12/02/2010 11:25 AM
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Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Monday December 27, 2010 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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12/03/2010 07:33 AM
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Darwin Award Winners:
8th Place In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
7th Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
6th Place While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
5th Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
4th Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
3rd Place After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other (!) to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.... 's*** happens' ------------------------- |
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01/27/2011 07:52 AM
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------------------------- |
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02/02/2011 10:58 AM
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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw
a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?" So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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05/07/2011 08:52 AM
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A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited." "Rightly so," the bride replies. "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life!" |
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05/17/2011 05:32 AM
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He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about 20 minutes she'll be eighteen." |
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03/30/2011 09:36 AM
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A drunk is walking along and smacks into a tree. He backs up a few paces, and walks into the tree again. He does it again. He mumbles, "This is great. I was supposed to be home hours ago, and now here I am lost in the forest."
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04/20/2011 08:01 AM
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Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!" The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!" Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!" |
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04/29/2011 04:22 PM
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A man decided to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. Thomas Cheever "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off." The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot." |
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05/02/2011 11:31 AM
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn ' t know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom ' s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I ' m Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is ster-num." ------------------------- |
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05/06/2011 05:45 AM
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Did you hear about the new drink called the Osama?
2 shots and water. ------------------------- |
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05/06/2011 08:18 AM
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I heard this one as: two shots and a splash of water |
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05/17/2011 06:37 AM
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays." |
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05/17/2011 07:59 AM
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Little Johnny’s walking around the zoo one day looking at the animals and reading the descriptive signs about each animal. He comes to one cage and reads the sign out loud “Caution! Man eating Bengal Tiger.” The old lady who was standing there watching the tiger says “Man eating tiger my ass! I’ve been standing here watching this tiger for 20 minutes and all he’s done is lick his butt.” Little Johnny looks at the tiger for a moment and turns to the lady and says “Maybe the last man he ate was a lawyer and he’s just trying to get the taste out of his mouth.” |
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05/17/2011 08:37 AM
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An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra. Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters? I can cut them for you said Dan the pharmacist but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. I am 96 said the old man. I don’t want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t pee on my slippers! |
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05/17/2011 02:36 PM
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed...... On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. |
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05/13/2011 11:46 PM
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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank fuck for that !" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!" |
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06/13/2011 08:40 AM
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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream." "No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. "Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes." "Keep going!" I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have three wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" "What next?" begged the bartender. I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?" |
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06/24/2011 04:03 PM
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Why did Tigger have his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
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06/29/2011 04:10 AM
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
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06/29/2011 06:14 AM
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An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.
So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why. Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club? Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock. Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts. Scot: Aye, so do I. Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts? Scot: Aye, neither do I. Secretary: But you are a Jew? Scot: Aye, I be that. Secretary: So you are circumcised? Scot: Aye, I be that too. Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that. Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that youhave to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club. ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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06/30/2011 05:31 AM
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A daddy shark and his son where swimming around and came across a sinking ship.Dad said,do what I do,and,the first time we swim around the people,stick your fin out a little bit.The next time we swim around,stick your fin out all the way,and then we eat the people. |
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07/01/2011 04:10 AM
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Hear about the chick that went fishing with 7 guys?
When they got back she said, all she got was a RedSnapper
------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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07/07/2011 11:49 AM
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A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch I told my girl friend that if she woke up during the night and wanted "some", to jerk my johnson three times. She asked "what if I don't want any?" I told her in that case, jerk my johnson about 25 times |
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09/14/2011 09:52 AM
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The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked. "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous. "There's bad news?", the Pope asked. "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven strokes." |
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07/01/2011 05:45 AM
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Two convicted murderers, who were sentenced to die by lethal injection on the same day, were led to the room where they would meet their Maker. The last rites were performed by the priest, the formal speech was given by the warden and the final prayers were said by the participants. Turning to the first man to die, the warden solemnly asked, "Son, do you have any last request?"
?"Yes sir, I do," replied the condemned man. "I love dance music. Could you please play 'The Macarena' for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please, I beg you," pleaded the second man. "Kill me first." |
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07/01/2011 05:47 AM
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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man. God got mad and said "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here." |
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07/05/2011 01:43 AM
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whats the difference between a porcupine and a satellite beach police car? on a porcupine the pricks are on the outside |
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07/05/2011 08:55 AM
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Pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel down the front of his pants....Bartender says, "Whats with the wheel Pirate?".....Pirate says "yarrrrr, it's been drivin me nuts all day!!"
------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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07/05/2011 11:40 AM
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Casey Anthony is not guilty of first degree murderjoke of the day |
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07/05/2011 11:51 AM
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^beat me to it.
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07/06/2011 05:50 PM
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I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional -- I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out." I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny." |
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07/06/2011 08:45 PM
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Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line." |
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07/07/2011 07:14 AM
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I was driving down a country road when my vehicle died. I knew I could fix the problem if I only had a monkey wrench. I saw a house down the way and when I got there I saw anold woman in the yard surrounded by ten screaming kids. "Lady," I asked, "do you have a monkey wrench I could use?" "What? speak up I can't hear you!" she yelled back. "A monkey wrench, lady. I need a monkey wrench!" "You need what?!" she hollered back. "A monkey wrench! A monkey wrench!"I yelled back. "Oh. This ain't no monkey ranch. This here's a day care center." ------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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07/09/2011 10:36 AM
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God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?' God said, 'Go down Into that valley.' Adam said, 'What's a Valley?' God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.' Adam said, 'What's a River?' God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....' Adam said, 'What is a Hill?' So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On The other side of the hill you will find a Cave.' Adam said, 'What's a Cave?' After God explained, he said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.' Adam said, 'What's a Woman?' So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.' Adam said, 'How do I do that?' God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....' And then, just like everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.. Then, in about five Minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?' And Adam said.... * * (YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!) * * * * * 'What's a headache?' |
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07/09/2011 04:53 PM
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07/19/2011 06:37 AM
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SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough; plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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08/20/2011 02:46 PM
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Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm. For the first few days, his uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that Little Johnny was getting bored, and his uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, Uncle Joe had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer Little Johnny up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, Little Johnny returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked Uncle Joe. "It was great!" exclaimed Little Johnny. "Got any more dogs?" |
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08/21/2011 04:50 AM
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------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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08/22/2011 07:37 AM
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This one was inspired by the recent thread about the literal interpretation of Genesis and the account of Adam and Eve. Adam is walking through the garden of eden and marvelling at how blessed he was with all of the abundance of food, fruit and game. It seemed like everything should have been perfect, but alas, Adam was lonely. Adam summoned God and thanked him for everything but then told God he was lonely. Adam told that he had everything he needed, but not everything he wanted. He wanted a soulmate, a friend, a lover, a partner and an honest observer capable of appreciating the garden. God listened and said, I understand, but it will cost you an arm and a leg. Adam sat and pondered, and after a long silence, he asked "what can I get for a rib?" ------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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09/05/2011 07:32 AM
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Heard at Thanksgiving dinner, but....
10. "Talk about huge breasts!" 9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?" 8. "Don't play with your meat." 7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in." 6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" 5. "You still have a little bit on your chin." 4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?" 3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up." 2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!" 1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?" Edited: 09/07/2011 at 06:00 AM by Streets |
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09/07/2011 05:55 AM
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A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?" |
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09/07/2011 10:28 AM
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Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a dump. The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture. ------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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09/07/2011 05:57 PM
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A Irish priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike." |
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09/07/2011 08:11 PM
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Little Johnny lived in an apartment in New York. His mother never let him do anything fun. He was always bored. One day his mother, while cleaning his room, found a box of tampons in his closet. She asked him, "why on earth do you have these?" He responded, "because the box says I can ride a bike, swim, run, and play sports." ------------------------- Adios.
Hasta Jamais. |
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09/15/2011 11:39 AM
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A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. ------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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09/24/2011 08:33 AM
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Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared, and he could see everything distinctly. When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried, defensively, "DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm on long-term disability!" |
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09/26/2011 05:13 AM
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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I serviced a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what? |
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09/26/2011 08:43 AM
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. ------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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09/27/2011 06:13 AM
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A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch.
The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy replies. "I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend." "Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?" "Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore." "Well, what did you say to your best friend?" "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!" |
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07/08/2011 09:00 AM
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A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid 3,000..00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger. |
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07/09/2011 12:11 PM
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course, we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry." |
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09/12/2011 02:42 PM
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Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'.
Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan. |
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09/12/2011 02:43 PM
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A truck ran a red light, almost side swiping our car. As I veered away, I threw my arm across the passenger seat, offering protection from a possible collision. My wife planted a big kiss on her 'hero's' cheek.
Here's something I've learned: 'Accept any and all accollades, when offered.' I didn't have the heart to tell here I had forgotten it was she in the front seat and not our 8 year old boxer "Spike." |
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09/13/2011 07:52 AM
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A gas station owner in Brantley, Alabama was trying to increase his Sales so he put up a sign in from his building.
FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, But no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think the game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week." ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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09/13/2011 09:38 AM
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An Alabama football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
If three LSU football players (QB, WR, and RB) are in a car, who's driving? The police officer. ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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09/30/2011 05:26 AM
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This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself. The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise? |
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09/30/2011 09:17 AM
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------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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10/01/2011 09:24 AM
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Edited by request
Edited: 10/04/2011 at 02:29 PM by Streets |
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10/02/2011 09:43 AM
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------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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10/03/2011 05:10 AM
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Jeez, Streets, are none of these forum threads safe from your agenda?
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10/04/2011 02:15 PM
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------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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10/05/2011 07:56 AM
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A turkey was chatting with a bull. ------------------------- Ring...BOOM...snow. -Hatrick Penry |
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10/06/2011 06:02 AM
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A South African, an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Canadian walk into a bar.
The bouncer says, "Sorry, guys: I can't let you in without a Thai."
------------------------- Water dissolving...and water removing There is water at the bottom of the ocean |
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10/06/2011 06:38 AM
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What's underneath the Pillsbury Dough Boy's apron?
doughnuts ------------------------- Jesus invented surfing... www.facebook.com/churchonthebeach |
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10/06/2011 10:10 AM
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CONDOM HISTORY
Interesting piece of history! In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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01/08/2012 12:27 PM
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There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a suitable woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks “What’s this?” |
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10/09/2011 01:27 PM
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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare." ------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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10/21/2011 09:58 AM
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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. ------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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11/12/2011 03:51 PM
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Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year. ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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12/29/2011 12:47 PM
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The couple has been married only two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. "Honey," says he to his new bride, "I'll be right back..." "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asks the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." "You want a beer, My Love?" She opens the refrigerator door shows him 25 different brands of beer from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, including six places he's never even heard of. The husband is nonplussed, and all he can think to say is, "Yes, Honey Pie, but the bar you know...the frozen glass..." He hasn't finished the sentence before wifey interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She hands him a mug out of the freezer that is so cold that it burns his fingers "Yes, Tootsie Roll," hubby says a bit desperately, "but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and removes 15 different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But, Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Here...DRINK YOUR FUGGING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUGGING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUGGING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ICEHOLE?!!" ------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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11/17/2011 09:46 AM
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------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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11/26/2011 08:24 PM
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What's green and slimy and smells like bacon?
Kermit the frog's finger.
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11/30/2011 01:34 PM
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------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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12/06/2011 09:53 AM
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I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving.
As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent months. Well I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks with some friends. Well, after having far too many beers, and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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12/12/2011 08:57 AM
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Golf on Christmas Morning?
Four old friends were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his pals and play a round. His friends all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first player says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third man says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last one of the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the backside and said, Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf," and all she said was, "You'll need a sweater." ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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12/19/2011 06:25 AM
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A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared". Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love. |
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12/25/2011 08:00 AM
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A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?" "Yup, shore am!" "How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "Ten pounds." The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He weighed twenty pounds." The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!" |
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12/28/2011 06:36 AM
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The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!" |
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01/05/2012 06:24 AM
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01/08/2012 12:26 PM
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. |
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01/20/2012 07:24 AM
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It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable. |
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02/05/2012 09:41 AM
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Ham Sandwich
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?" ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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02/06/2012 10:55 AM
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An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." |
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02/06/2012 01:11 PM
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At a wine merchant's warehouse, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine fighter pilot, drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
“Can you start tomorrow?”, asked the boss. |
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07/30/2012 08:59 AM
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-------------------------
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07/30/2012 03:27 PM
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Said one saggy boob to the other; " We better perk up or people will think we're nuts "
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07/31/2012 09:37 AM
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A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. |
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08/02/2012 08:47 AM
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-------------------------
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08/04/2012 01:09 PM
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-------------------------
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12/12/2012 09:26 AM
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A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn". ------------------------- " |
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12/17/2012 05:11 PM
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One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. ------------------------- " |
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12/24/2012 11:54 AM
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Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in
Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?" Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often." Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting." Ole asked, "Vat's dat?" Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?" Ole stopped to think. "No " "Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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08/16/2012 07:18 AM
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------------------------- |
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08/16/2012 07:23 AM
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------------------------- |
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09/20/2012 01:04 PM
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A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?" ------------------------- " |
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09/21/2012 04:45 PM
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My divorce was messy because there was a child involved - My husband.
The prosecutor was relentless as he badgered the witness. "What did the accused do when he learned the jewelry was part of a stolen hoard?" he demanded. "He did what any honest man would do," said the witness. "And what was that?" "I didn't think you'd know." |
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09/21/2012 04:49 PM
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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spy some surfers.
The younger one licks his lips and makes a beeline for them. "Just a minute," says his father, stopping him. "First we swim around them with just the tip of our fins showing." And they do. "Now we swim around them a few times with all out fins showing." And they do. "Now we eat everybody." When they are both gorged, the son asks, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them when we first saw them?" "Because they taste better without all the poop inside." |
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09/25/2012 05:44 AM
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Rules Of The South ------------------------- " |
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09/26/2012 11:24 AM
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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. ------------------------- |
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09/26/2012 11:43 AM
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A MAN IN A FLORIDA SUPERMARKET TRIES TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.
THE VERY YOUNG PRODUCE ASSISTANT TELLS HIM THAT THEY SELL ONLY WHOLE HEADS OF LETTUCE. THE MAN PERSISTS AND ASKS TO SEE THE MANAGER. THE BOY SAYS HE'LL ASK HIS MANAGER ABOUT IT. WALKING INTO THE BACK ROOM, THE BOY SAID TO HIS MANAGER, 'SOME ASSHOLE WANTS TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.' AS HE FINISHED HIS SENTENCE, HE TURNED TO FIND THE MAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM, SO HE ADDED, 'AND THIS GENTLEMAN HAS KINDLY OFFERED TO BUY THE OTHER HALF.' THE MANAGER APPROVED THE DEAL, AND THE MAN WENT ON HIS WAY. LATER, THE MANAGER SAID TO THE BOY, 'I WAS IMPRESSED WITH THE WAY YOU GOT YOURSELF OUT OF THAT SITUATION EARLIER. WE LIKE PEOPLE WHO THINK ON THEIR FEET HERE. WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON?' 'GREENBAY, WISCONSIN , SIR,' THE BOY REPLIED. 'WELL, WHY DID YOU LEAVE GREENBAY?' THE MANAGER ASKED. THE BOY SAID, 'SIR, THERE'S NOTHING BUT WHORES AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS UP THERE.' 'REALLY?' SAID THE MANAGER. 'MY WIFE IS FROM GREENBAY.' 'NO SHIT?' REPLIED THE BOY. 'WHAT POSITION DID SHE PLAY?' ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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11/05/2012 08:07 AM
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I cant wait until they can put wings on humans. When they can put wings on humans, they can put wings on pigs, and when they can put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex. ------------------------- " |
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11/13/2012 11:27 AM
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The Mob Bookkeeper
A mob Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so that if it ever came up he would not testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido the bookkeeper he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer: "Ask him where the money is" The lawyer using sign language asks Guido: "where is the money?" Guido signs back " I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather:" he says he does not know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and Says: " Ask him again or I'll kill him." The lawyer signs to Guido: "He will kill you if you don't tell him." Guido is shaking and signs back: " OK OK, don't shoot, the money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house" The Godfather asks the lawyer: " What did he say?" The lawyer replies: " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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11/14/2012 10:19 AM
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How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk in the road and dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks before the skunk. |
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11/19/2012 07:36 AM
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Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?" "Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law." ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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11/19/2012 11:01 AM
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MT. VERNON, TEXAS, WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE! Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground! After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means." In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!" |
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11/21/2012 04:20 AM
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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. |
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12/10/2012 06:51 AM
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A drunk was sitting at a bar and was drinking too much beer. He started to get mouthy and obnoxious and he turned to his right and said: Everyone sitting to the right of me is ugly. He then turned to the left and said: Everyone sitting to the left of me is crazy. Well this one fellow sitting to the left of him was very irritated with this insult and he said: Sir I beg your pardon , I am not crazy. Then the drunk looked at this fellow though his bloodshot eyes for a minute and said: Hey buddy, get on the other side |
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02/11/2013 10:03 AM
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I was at the pub the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking to each other while standing at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"  ------------------------- " |
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02/13/2013 09:19 AM
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------------------------- " |
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02/13/2013 09:27 AM
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Wow Tahoe. Nice fat joke. Is that like making fun of yourself?
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03/04/2013 11:58 AM
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A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor, "Please come quick I'm having an arguement with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window." The hotel manager replies "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not inerfere." The husband responds "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This damn window won't open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem." |
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03/11/2013 10:35 AM
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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out , smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!" ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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04/18/2013 11:15 AM
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------------------------- " |
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04/22/2013 10:59 AM
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A priest and
a rabbi are quietly sitting next to each other on a plane each tending to their
scriptures. The rabbi pauses for a
minute as if in deep thought. Then after a moment he says to the priest "Tell me father is
it still a requirement that members of the Catholic priesthood maintain
lifelong celibacy?" "Aye, it tis. It is
our sworn oath" replies the priest. "That's a pity" says the rabbi, and they both quietly
continue their reading. A little while later the priest says "Rabbi is it also still
a requirement of your faith not to eat pork?" "It certainly is. It
is the word of God." responds the rabbi and each goes on reading again. After quite some time the rabbi pauses from his studies
again and says "Father I don't mean to pry into your faith but..." "Please by all means." says the priest. "We are both honest men of the cloth with
nothing to hide." So the rabbi continues "I was simply wondering if you've ever
given into temptation of the flesh and strayed from your convictions?" "Aye, only once at my first parish, may the lord forgive
me. I was young and she was such a
lovely lass that I simply could not withstand the temptation. " he replies. |
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06/06/2013 02:32 PM
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An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pigmy answered: "Yes". "How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?" ------------------------- " |
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01/17/2013 05:59 PM
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------------------------- " |
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02/10/2012 01:33 AM
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02/13/2012 10:11 AM
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A husband say to his wife..... "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
She says...."I would take half of your winnings, then leave you forever." "Excellent," he replies...."I won 12 bucks, here's your $6, now get the hell out." |
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03/28/2012 01:11 AM
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02/15/2012 08:22 PM
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Copy to follow (graphic wouldn't work) |
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02/21/2012 07:41 AM
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THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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02/22/2012 01:46 PM
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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center. Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this beautiful antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its delicately polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "CRAP!" said Claude.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center. Claude was never invited back. ------------------------- |
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03/09/2012 05:59 AM
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Man walks into the Doctors office. Edited: 03/09/2012 at 02:01 PM by MaloTurista |
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03/09/2012 07:38 AM
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way to FAIL on the NO POLITICS rule for this part of the forum, streets-tawhore-bad tourist troll! 0/5 - and take a lap.
------------------------- Water dissolving...and water removing There is water at the bottom of the ocean |
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05/03/2012 06:47 AM
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WHAT AISLE IS THE POLISH SAUSAGE ON? Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
"The clerk replied……………………… "Because you're in Home Depot." ------------------------- |
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05/04/2012 06:19 AM
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Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, 'So, where yall from?' |
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06/16/2012 12:36 PM
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06/19/2012 05:22 AM
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06/20/2012 07:12 AM
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Subject: FW: Who's yo' daddy?
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy?
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Moesha was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. ------------------------- |
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06/20/2012 07:18 AM
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CALIFORNIA:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural. He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training regarding the nature of coyotes. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State. TEXAS : The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. The buzzards eat the dead coyote. And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not. ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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07/07/2012 02:40 PM
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07/14/2012 06:35 AM
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07/17/2012 07:52 PM
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All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life. -------------------------
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07/18/2012 06:41 AM
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This thread is like a history lesson on your multiple identities. heh |
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07/21/2012 07:40 AM
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-------------------------
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10/06/2011 10:50 AM
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One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?" ------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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10/07/2011 08:58 AM
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A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet.
Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay. Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?" "Well... yes." Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women down below?" Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative. With that, her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!" |
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02/26/2011 09:48 AM
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Why is devorce so expensive........because it's worth it!
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03/01/2011 09:07 PM
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News flash-corduroy pillows are making headlines!! |
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03/16/2011 06:53 AM
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how much blow can charley sheen snort?
enough to kill two and a half men. ------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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03/17/2011 12:44 PM
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat." ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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03/17/2011 08:01 PM
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Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."
------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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03/21/2011 10:33 AM
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A Texan is drinking in a Colorado bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average in Texas , folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. ....so how much does he weigh now? "The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised". ------------------------- I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid! |
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03/28/2011 05:39 PM
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NEWSFLASH !!!! Corduroy pillows are making headlines !
------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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05/18/2011 12:17 PM
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My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said 'I wanna watch.
------------------------- R I P Mama G. @Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing @Laserwolf.Laserwolf |
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05/22/2011 10:15 AM
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A TRIP TO ITALY
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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06/03/2011 07:04 AM
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One day, a little boy asks his father what the difference is between 'technically' and 'reality.' "Mommy, would you ever sleep with a bum for $500,000?" "You bet your ass I would!" exclaims the mother. So the little boy goes up to his sister's bedroom. "Hey sis, would you sleep with the garbageman for $500,000?" "I sure would!" exclaims his sister. "Dad, Dad! Mom and sis both said they would. What does that mean?" "Well, son," the father says. "Technically, we're millionares but in reality we live with a couple of dirty whores!" |
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06/29/2011 02:15 PM
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Electric Fences
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted. 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4 - My left eye will not open. 5 - My right eye will not close. 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???). That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow. |
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09/20/2011 07:33 AM
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After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." ------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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11/16/2011 12:48 PM
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------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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03/19/2012 01:19 PM
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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter. ------------------------- Yo no estoy casado. Pero mi esposa esta casada. |
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03/20/2012 06:56 AM
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?
. . . . . . A Mega-sore-ass What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? . . . . . . . A Lick-a-lot-a-pus ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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03/20/2012 09:45 AM
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The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he met U.S. General Patraeus. They shook hands. As they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ." |
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03/29/2012 01:35 PM
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04/23/2012 07:18 AM
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His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ..... And he needed a loan, so....... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University , a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?" ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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04/26/2012 04:31 AM
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The dali lama walks into a pizza shop and says "make me one with everything".
------------------------- Specializing in sarcasm and condescending rhetoric since 1971. |
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05/17/2012 06:11 AM
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Men Are Just Happier People -- Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. ... Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. ------------------------- |
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05/23/2012 07:29 AM
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The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington. ------------------------- |
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05/24/2012 11:51 AM
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Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one day. He was wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...!" |
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05/24/2012 03:48 PM
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06/04/2012 10:36 AM
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I went golfing alone last week, but as I checked in, there was an old-timer checking in as well. He said he had been playing the course for years, so we decided to play the course together.
He gave me some great advice as we went along, and I was shooting my best round yet, due to his advice. We came to the 18th hole, and I was on my second shot, trying to make the green in two. I asked him what he would do. He said, "If I was your age, I'd hit a five iron over that tree." So, I took his advice, but it took me 5 more shots to get to the green! So I asked him, "Why did you tell me to hit a five iron over that tree?" He answered, "Well, when I was your age, that tree was three feet tall..." ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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06/21/2012 05:14 AM
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A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
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07/10/2012 08:08 AM
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A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as she attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the woman is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the woman, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow. ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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07/16/2012 11:15 AM
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A balding, white haired man from Ft Pierce,, Florida walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!' See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile ------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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08/16/2012 01:43 PM
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------------------------- GOP: Gaslight Obstruct Project |
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08/17/2012 07:48 AM
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A guy was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two
very large women by the bar. They both had a pretty strong accent, so he asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them chirped up saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!" So, he immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry, are you two whales from Ireland ?" That's pretty much the last thing he remembers. ------------------------- Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. |
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01/20/2013 11:36 PM
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What does a dog say when it sits on sandpaper? Rough. RIP Mama G |
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01/28/2013 07:15 AM
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Almost 104,000 views and a Mama G thread....gotta stay on the first page.
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks "What is wrong?" The boy says. "Me ma is dead." "Oh bejaysus the man says. "Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?" The boy replies: "No thanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment." ------------------------- www.timebaughdesigns.com |
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05/17/2012 06:16 AM
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the first joke in this thread.... ------------------------- |
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05/18/2012 05:27 PM
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Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time," The Doctor nods, "Hmm." Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?" "Hmm," says the Doctor, He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?" "No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test." |
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05/21/2012 04:12 AM
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two |
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12/26/2012 12:02 PM
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Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!' -------------------------  
RUSS-D'S PHOTOGRAPHY Suncoast Surfrider |
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01/20/2013 07:34 AM
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The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.' Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!' Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.
------------------------- “It is the heart of US policy to use fascism to preserve capitalism while claiming to be saving democracy from communism “ - Michael Parenti |
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02/05/2013 08:37 AM
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An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator..." ------------------------- “It is the heart of US policy to use fascism to preserve capitalism while claiming to be saving democracy from communism “ - Michael Parenti |
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04/15/2013 05:53 AM
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ELK SEX
------------------------- |
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04/15/2013 02:00 PM
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Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish. After a long, tension-filled moment, he says, "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." ---- Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other, hands him a bill, and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you." A shy guy goes into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, and says, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Completely embarrassed, he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a psych student studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?" |
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04/16/2013 10:07 AM
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"Two drivers climb out of their cars after colliding at an intersection. One pulls a flask from his pocket and says, "Here, have a nip of whiskey to calm your nerves." "Thanks," says the other driver, taking a swig. "Here, you have one, too." "Nah, I'd rather not — the police will be here soon." |
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06/13/2013 09:28 AM
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. -------------------------
RUSS-D'S PHOTOGRAPHY Suncoast Surfrider |
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06/20/2013 11:40 AM
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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife screams at him as his
friend listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a
mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered
with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?" "Because he's thinking of
getting married." |
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03/13/2020 08:13 PM
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Bump to resurrect a good old thread, 6.5 years later
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03/14/2020 11:23 AM
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Thank you. God rest Mama G's soul too.
------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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12/23/2020 05:53 AM
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Me: Doctor, I'm scared. I can't stop singing "Delilah"!
Doctor: Sounds like you've got Tom Jones Syndrome. Me: Is that rare? Doctor: It's Not Unusual. ------------------------- So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off. |
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12/23/2020 06:30 PM
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Two cannibals are eating a clown, one looks at the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
------------------------- I was right. |
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12/23/2020 07:16 PM
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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? Trump never had a garbanzo bean on his face before.
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12/23/2020 07:56 PM
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Q: What does a deadhead say when he runs out of pot? A: Man, this music sucks... ------------------------- 
When America was "great" |
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12/24/2020 06:02 AM
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garcia says - Funny, but, only if the radio is playing Steeley Dan or Boston or Kansas Doobie Bros or... when he says it. I haven't been stoned in decades and the Dead are still it, esp the early/mid 70s.
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12/24/2020 06:04 AM
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I forgot to say that I am happy this thread has been revived. Good for a laugh most days.
Merry Christmas to all! |
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07/07/2021 08:21 AM
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A man is bent over at the Urologist's office when the doctor says "Now listen, Steve, try not to get an erection this time." The Patient says "Steve? my name's Bill!" offended. The Doctor says "No, Bill, my name's Steve."
------------------------- "One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky. |
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