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Topic Title: Joke of the day
Topic Summary: You want/need a laugh? This thread keeps getting better and better!!!
Created On: 04/29/2009 07:25 PM
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 04/29/2009 07:25 PM
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Mama G

Posts: 7735
Joined Forum: 01/21/2006

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.



She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.



She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.



She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.



'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'



The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.



The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.



'Yes, I do' she replies.



The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.



'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'



'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.



The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'



'I remember that too' she replies softly.



He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...



'I would have been released today.'

-------------------------
http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/
flsurferz@gmail.com
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss

Edited: 07/21/2009 at 05:08 AM by Mama G
 04/30/2009 03:45 AM
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Maktaq

Posts: 49
Joined Forum: 01/08/2008

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week
and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.



After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you
might like to come. About 8:00.'

Great', says Tom, 'After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Lars is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'.

'Not a problem,' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.' 

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem,' says Tom, warming to the idea. I've been all alone for six
months! I'll definitely be there.' 'By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'



Edited: 04/30/2009 at 03:48 AM by Maktaq
 04/30/2009 06:46 AM
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Timinator

Posts: 3486
Joined Forum: 03/31/2004

An oldie but goodie.

There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.

The first farmer asks, "I'd like to buy a rooster."

The second farmer says, "No problem. What's he for?"

The first farmer says, "I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens and lay more eggs."

The second farmer points to a rooster, "Okay. Take Brewster over there... he'll do all your chickens for you." The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing heavily.

The first farmer exclaims, "What? You've got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorrow."

The second farmer says, "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll screw all your chickens and you'll end up with more eggs than you could ever imagine."

Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, "Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold." He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck.

As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he's done with one, he does another, and another...

The farmer says, "Take it easy Brewster! You're going to hurt yourself!"

Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and pounds that one too. He proceeds to screw all the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the chickens, he runs after the dog, and nails him too.

The farmer is starting to get a little worried.

Brewster then drills the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing after the farmer's wife!

Some time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere. He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster out in the field on his back, motionless.

The farmer cries out, "Oh Brewster! I told you to be careful! Now look what's happened."

Brewster opens one eye, points overhead and whispers, "Shhh!!... Buzzards."



-------------------------
www.timebaughdesigns.com
 05/01/2009 07:43 AM
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BSpec

Posts: 192
Joined Forum: 05/11/2008

Why was the tomato blushing?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because he saw the salad dressing!




Budump Ching
 05/01/2009 02:08 PM
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bob3000

Posts: 15011
Joined Forum: 07/13/2004

Best swine flu medication?


OINKMENT

-------------------------
Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
 05/02/2009 06:26 AM
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Mama G

Posts: 7735
Joined Forum: 01/21/2006

hahaha

-------------------------
http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/
flsurferz@gmail.com
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss
 05/02/2009 10:17 AM
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jdbman

Posts: 11296
Joined Forum: 07/28/2003

PHONE REPAIR
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring Right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.





-------------------------
So if you are a surfer I wish you the prosperity that allows you more time to pursue the salt water dream, and the true happiness that comes from warm water, clean waves and the companionship of your fellow surfers. If you are an internet troll just spewing bs then f off.
 05/02/2009 04:07 PM
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princibill

Posts: 790
Joined Forum: 07/03/2007

The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
 05/03/2009 11:47 AM
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thole

Posts: 2112
Joined Forum: 07/24/2003

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a pretty
receptionist standing at the office coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it anymore and takes her
Complaint to the Personnel Department and states she wants to lay a
Sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,

'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'
















'It's Keith, the dwarf!

-------------------------
Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
 05/03/2009 11:59 AM
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GreenLantern

Posts: 1441
Joined Forum: 10/02/2007

ograbac
 05/06/2009 07:42 AM
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Tomkat

Posts: 2128
Joined Forum: 12/06/2003

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they
live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the
chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the
cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs,
he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives
him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why
don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother say's, 'I saw you kick a chicken,
so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick
the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't
getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, ........'You gonna tell him or should I?

-------------------------
"Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each" - Henry David Thoreau
 05/06/2009 06:53 PM
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princibill

Posts: 790
Joined Forum: 07/03/2007



"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket-launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's' goat


Edited: 05/06/2009 at 06:54 PM by princibill
 05/08/2009 11:46 AM
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JBSURF

Posts: 2105
Joined Forum: 10/11/2004

Im doing the Rum Diet, `Aready lost 3 days`

-------------------------
I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid!
 05/15/2009 06:00 AM
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JBSURF

Posts: 2105
Joined Forum: 10/11/2004

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the
bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2..25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. 'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes", "Yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,

"Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

-------------------------
I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid!
 05/15/2009 10:18 AM
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Tomkat

Posts: 2128
Joined Forum: 12/06/2003

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

-------------------------
"Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each" - Henry David Thoreau
 05/16/2009 06:20 PM
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JBSURF

Posts: 2105
Joined Forum: 10/11/2004

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's
business. Several members did not approve of her extra
curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain
their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank,
a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old
pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon...

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that
everyone seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and
just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or
deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly
parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house.. walked home...
and left it there all night!!!

(You gotta love Frank!)

-------------------------
I've decided to accept the fact - I'll always be a big kid!
 05/17/2009 11:44 AM
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thole

Posts: 2112
Joined Forum: 07/24/2003

Bubba goes to a revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Bubba gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Bubba, what do you want me to pray about for you.' Bubba replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.' The preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Bubba's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Bubba. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, 'Bubba, how is your hearing now?' Bubba says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday.

-------------------------
Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
 05/21/2009 06:10 PM
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Mama G

Posts: 7735
Joined Forum: 01/21/2006

funny video

-------------------------
http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/
flsurferz@gmail.com
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss
 05/23/2009 05:05 AM
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wavecrestsurf

Posts: 857
Joined Forum: 05/24/2005

What is the best gay bar pickup line?.......Can I push in your stool.
 05/24/2009 12:16 PM
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johnnyboy

Posts: 18726
Joined Forum: 07/22/2003

Why did the three little pigs leave home?

Their father was a terrible boar/bore.



-------------------------

"One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky.

FORUMS : NPNR : Joke of the day

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