Hang 10... or as they now say...hit the lip!

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Topic Title: Joke of the day
Topic Summary: You want/need a laugh? This thread keeps getting better and better!!!
Created On: 04/29/2009 07:25 PM
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 05/28/2009 05:42 AM
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Pagerow

Posts: 3923
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $40K a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1.5 mil) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."
 06/01/2009 11:49 AM
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crankit

Posts: 15479
Joined Forum: 07/30/2003

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield ...........

Because he said ....


My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.


My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.


-------------------------
"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same."
 06/01/2009 01:34 PM
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Mama G

Posts: 7735
Joined Forum: 01/21/2006

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewerheart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

-------------------------
http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/
flsurferz@gmail.com
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss
 06/04/2009 07:30 AM
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johnnyboy

Posts: 18729
Joined Forum: 07/22/2003

The three little pigs are running for their lives from the straw house to the wood house and then from the wood house to the brick house. Once they escaped the big bad wolf inside the brick house, the big bad wolf started looking for ways to gain entrance into the house. Almost immediately, a big black limousine pulled up in a cloud of dust and stopped right in front of the brick house. The black tinted window rolled down and the tip of an AK 47 stuck and promptly mowed down the big bad wolf in his tracks before he could even move. The window rolled up, the limo rolled out and the three little pigs came out and looked at the big bad wolf as he clutched his bloody mid section. "Who did this to me?" asked the big bad wolf. "Those were our cousins, the guinea pigs."

-------------------------

"One of the reasons why propaganda tries to get you to hate government is because it's the one existing institution in which people can participate to some extent and constrain tyrannical unaccountable power." Noam Chomsky.

 06/06/2009 07:37 AM
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Mama G

Posts: 7735
Joined Forum: 01/21/2006

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Rusty, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

-------------------------
http://www.flickr.com/photos/flsurferzmom/
flsurferz@gmail.com
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss
 06/11/2009 07:40 PM
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sdt57301

Posts: 4300
Joined Forum: 09/01/2004

A mother and her 5 yr. old son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have
baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
stewardess. So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't
big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to
you."




-------------------------
crazy like a fox!
ha ha > Vote for Rewind Cain, he'll get it right....eventually.
 06/14/2009 04:14 PM
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Igoyoustay

Posts: 432
Joined Forum: 08/31/2007

Skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender says, "what'll it be?". Skeleton says, "I'll have a beer and a mop.".
 06/14/2009 08:11 PM
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Long Beard

Posts: 4272
Joined Forum: 05/13/2007

what do u call two mexicans playing basketball?

........... jaun on juan,

-------------------------
R I P Mama G.

@Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing

@Laserwolf.Laserwolf
 06/14/2009 08:12 PM
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Long Beard

Posts: 4272
Joined Forum: 05/13/2007

a horse walks into a bar,the bartender says "why the long face?"

hahahahahahahahahahaaha this one gets me in tears laughing every time i tell it. i dunno why.

-------------------------
R I P Mama G.

@Salt.And.Savagery.Fishing

@Laserwolf.Laserwolf
 06/14/2009 08:39 PM
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princibill

Posts: 790
Joined Forum: 07/03/2007

Melvin, a retarded man, used to come to our little baptist church.
He was concerned about his soul and wanted to be saved. When the minister
gave the altar call, Melvin went down the isle to meet with the minister.
He told Melvin about Jesus and Melvin prayed the sinner's prayer. With Melvin standing by his side at the front of the church, the minister motioned for the crowd to stop singing and listen. He then asked Melvin if he had indeed asked Jesus for salvation, to which Melvin loudly replied, "You damn right I did!" Needless to say Melvin
brought the whole house down!
 06/15/2009 09:22 AM
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crankit

Posts: 15479
Joined Forum: 07/30/2003






A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?'






-------------------------
"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same."
 06/16/2009 06:21 AM
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thole

Posts: 2112
Joined Forum: 07/24/2003

Subject: Three Dogs









Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they
struck up a conversation.



The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you
here?"



The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my
owner's bed.



TheYellow Lab said, "So
what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They
reckon it'll calm me down.

"The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked,"why are you
here?"



The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big
hole
in my owners' couch."



"So what are they going to do to
you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked,
"Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said.
"I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence
posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.


Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending
down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her
back and started hammering away".

The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So,
nuts off for you too, huh?"


The Yellow Lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!

-------------------------
Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
 06/22/2009 02:38 PM
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thole

Posts: 2112
Joined Forum: 07/24/2003

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate, he stated.

'Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church'

The pastor replied, 'that's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'

The elderly woman answered $10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed, your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?

'He is a veterinarian, she answered.

'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money, the pastor said.
'Where does he practice?'

The woman answered proudly, in Nevada, he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.

-------------------------
Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
 06/29/2009 08:08 AM
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worksuxgetsponsered

Posts: 8257
Joined Forum: 01/19/2005

What's the difference between God and Barak Obama?

God doesn't think he's Obama.

What's another differnece?

God only wants 10% of your income!



waka waka

-------------------------
Purveyor of Logic and Wisdom
 06/30/2009 08:35 PM
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sdt57301

Posts: 4300
Joined Forum: 09/01/2004

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas

walks out in the street and sees a blond

haired cowboy coming toward him with

nothing on but his cowboy hat,

his gun and his boots. He arrests him

for indecent exposure.



As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why

in the world are you

walking around

like

this?'







The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this

Sheriff ....





I was in

this bar down the road and this pretty

little red head asks me

to go out to her motor home with

her. So I did.



We go inside

and she pulls off her top and asks me

to pull off my shirt...

So I did.




Then she pulls off her skirt and asks

me to pull off my pants...

So I did.


Then she

pulls off her panties and asks me to

pull off my shorts...so I

did.




Then she

gets on the bed and looks at me kind of

sexy and says,

'Now go to town cowboy.. '



'And here I am.'



Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist

-------------------------
crazy like a fox!
ha ha > Vote for Rewind Cain, he'll get it right....eventually.
 07/01/2009 11:39 PM
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GREG

Posts: 1530
Joined Forum: 08/20/2003

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy
father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm
off now. The man should be here soon.'


Half an hour later, just by chance, a
door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a
sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'


'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'


'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well,
that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'


'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat'.


After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where
do we start?'


'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the
living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'


'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
work out for Harry and me!'


'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or
seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'


'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.


'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his
time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be
disappointed with that.'


'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.


The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he
said.


'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at
her throat.


'And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'


'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.


'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to
the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five
deep to get a good look'


'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes
wide with amazement.


'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more
than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I
could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack
it all in.'


Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they
actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'


'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready,
I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'


'Tripod?'


'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

-------------------------
http://www.crsurf.com ~ CR Surf Travel Company

Instagram - @crsurf
1% for the Planet Member
 07/02/2009 12:50 PM
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crankit

Posts: 15479
Joined Forum: 07/30/2003

In order to continue getting-by in America, we all need to understand that English is coming in more forms! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to better understand your newer fellow citizens.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."
=0 A
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do, don't you!



-------------------------
"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same."
 07/02/2009 01:02 PM
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crankit

Posts: 15479
Joined Forum: 07/30/2003

A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on
the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the
grass.' Once th e surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

-------------------------
"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same."
 07/06/2009 06:27 AM
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Pagerow

Posts: 3923
Joined Forum: 12/22/2005

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter welcomed Farrah and told her she could have one wish granted for her long suffering. Immediately she wished that all the children in the world would be safe!


At that very moment Michael Jackson dropped dead. Then, when Michael approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him what he wanted. Michael said he needed someone especially gifted to make a pitch for him on his behalf to God.



Billy Mays never knew what hit him.
 07/06/2009 09:40 AM
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somebodyelse

Posts: 6420
Joined Forum: 06/29/2006

I heard it told differently: (don't kill the messenger)

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter welcomed Farrah and told her she could have one wish granted for her long suffering. Immediately she wished that all the children in the world would be safe!


At that very moment Michael Jackson dropped dead. Then, when Michael approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him what he wanted. Michael said he really wanted for somebody to truly make him white....

then he heard a voice behind him saying " Blly Mays here, with OXY-Clean"

-------------------------
FORUMS : NPNR : Joke of the day

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